No dizziness for 3 days and as soon as I'm back in the office it hits me again. That's a little frustrating. Forgot my headphones which also adds to this frustration. Noticing a lot of people at work with coughs. I wish there was basic common courtesy with people coughing. From very early on in the pandemic, people were instructed to cough into their elbow, or at the very least cover their cough as best as possible. Everyone I'm seeing is just coughing with their mouth wide open. What's up with that? It's not even from a paranoid or anxious perspective. I just find it frustrating that basic common courtesy doesn't seem to exist. It causes me a good deal of frustration. Sure, it shouldn't. Yes, I could focus on other things. Keep busy, try and let it wash over me. But if you let a lot of stuff wash over you, people can start to take the p.
Didn't see any friends this weekend. Felt a little lonely. I did have a voice chat with one guy on Discord, but it was more background noise as we played different games, as opposed to a full on chat. So towards the end of my 3 day weekend I was craving some form of company. They're having a bowling night at work. I think everyone is going except for myself and a couple of older people in accounts. Thankfully nobody has asked me about it. I think my not showing up at the Xmas party and using a flimsy, made up excuse has cemented my reputation as antisocial, or a flake. Both of which are accurate statements.
Ate too much crap on the weekend and smoked too much. Felt rather lathargic. No anxiety from smoking though. I figured a little downtime whilst I wait for the house money/sale to complete. Then the new focus will be buying the land and planning the next steps for my new home.
I got very caught up at work last week. So this week should be easy, provided I don't let it slip. Keeping my food shop to a minimum. I need it to be cheap. Whilst it's pay day today, the private dental work is making the next few months financially difficult. I contacted my NHS dentist after finding out they're doing all procedures again. Only for them to tell me they didn't have capacity to do the root canal. No other info. Seems pretty shoddy to me. I could pay less than £70 for the procedure. Instead, I have to pay nearly £1000.
Seem to be doing better at focusing on work and letting people's conversations become background noise. This helps with concentration, as well as reducing feelings of frustration. Hearing interesting conversations in this office is a rarity. So I'm glad that I find it easier to let their small talk become background noise, rather than having it drill into the forefront of my thoughts and leave me struggling to focus and feeling increasingly angry in the process.
Since admitting my ADHD diagnosis to my boss, he seems a bit more lenient when I've been making mistakes. It's not the usual email complaints or telling me that "you can't keep making mistakes". So, I guess that's a step in the right direction. Although my mind wants to say "whilst it lasts" because I'm not sure if this is just a temporary change whilst we're snowed under with work. Perhaps when he has more free time he'll go back to how he used to be - constantly riding me every time he notices a mistake. I could point out all the mistakes he makes that I see - many of which are one's he says I make. Where does it end? With me leaving, but I don't know when that'll be. Need to get the house sorted first.
So many people with noisy coughs. Can't they work from home? My dad's had a constant cough since I got home. He doesn't cover his mouth. I was making lunch the other day. Just as I'd finished buttering my toast he had a coughing fit, right next to my plate and didn't cover his mouth. Yeah, I ate my lunch - but honestly? Can't people exercise some basic manners? Cover your mouth when you cough, you bloody degenerates.
Speaking of degenerates - a friend of mine kept asking me to go to a political conferance with him. He's a conspiracy theorist, and whilst we've never met before, I didn't want to go to some city to attend a weekend of politics. Sounds like the most boring place to have panic attacks. He got back and told me it wss a right wing conferance...of course it was. He often makes a lot of right wing and anti-semitic jokes. Most in our Discord group humour him, as we all have a pretty dark sense of humour. But, he seems to genuinely believe in some of this. I'm not sure how much, as I don't like to pry. Whenever he starts monologuing about politics I feel unnerved.
He said the following from the conferance - "We will find our way to victory, or we will make it ourselves." To which I replied that this sort of politics will never be voted into power and will always remain a fringe group.
"Your assumption is that we believe the path to victory lies in liberal democracy. It does not. It never was."
"So they're advocating not getting voted into power but taking it by force? Doesn't seem realistic, or working for the greater good imo."
"Force, or perhaps just waiting until this rotten system collapses and these elites are dragged out of their houses screaming."
I've said to him before that I don't agree with his dystopian view of the future. Whenever world events happen, he always has some theory about the "real truth" and the subtext etc. He sounds like he's constantly angry and anxious about the world events. Then again, I've yet to meet a conspiracy theorist who was comforted and felt positive vibes from what they believed.
Tbh, outside of when me and him joke about on Discord, I find him pretty awkward to talk to. I don't agree with his catastrophic thinking - even though I'm partial to such thinking myself, but on different subject matter. But I don't agree with right wing politics, and when it's mixed with conspiracy theories?
One of my friends in the village has said many things that Yasin has said - literally word for word. When I mentioned Jack to Yasin he got all excited that he thought the same things. I didn't. To hear literal copy n paste thoughts from 2 people who've never met? That unnerved me. They always slate the left. He just told me "Do not use the language of the left". This is the same guy who bought me Ted Kazynski's manifesto. He was laughing and thought it was a hilarious gift. That I'd be "put on a list" and then kept asking me and quizzing me on what I thought.
You know, I don't have many friends - but when I chat to a lot of these guys on Discord and hear their opinions, and also how much they swear; I just think - this isn't a good fit. I've cut ties with a lot of people in the past because they're not a good fit. It's why I've never had a lot of friends. The term "beggars can't be choosers" rings in my head, but doesn't feel right. I clearly should be picky, because I listen to how a lot of these people speak and I want to smack them in the mouth. I guess it boils down to that common theme - best friends leaving to go abroad. Most "friends" I have aren't a good fit for me. What's the other option? Loneliness. There's a few people I get on with well, but they have partners, families and settled down etc. Not much time to see me. Why? Because they're nice people, so their lives are on track. It's the misfits and mentally ill who are single and easy to talk to cos they have too much free time etc. So they'll play video games with me and such like. But they don't make me feel good when I talk to them.
There was a dog walker who watched me staff yesterday evening. She came up to me and seemed quite emotional and thanked me for letting her watch. I was intrigued that she was moved so much. We chatted briefly, she asked if I did anything with it. I told her about the wedding reception performance, but also how bad my anxiety was. How I mainly staff just for me. She sympathised with my anxiety and wished me luck on my next steps now that I'm looking to get my own place. She had a lovely German Shepard dog. One of my favourite breeds.
Think I'll go without a smoke until Friday evening. See how it goes. Haven't had a break since starting again and on the weekend I was feeling the tolerance was quite high, which makes the whole experience a bit pointless.
Planned out 2022 holidays. Done the usual - a 3 or 4 day weekend every few weeks. It means I only have to work 1 or 2 full weeks in between time off for the whole year. I book it all on the first working day in January. I sometimes change days when other people want holiday time off. But in general - I always have holiday to look forward to in the near future.
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