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Rant

Constantly feel like im on a slippery slope about to fall to my death any minute. I can't ever relax or people will understand there is something off about me. I wish someone would help me, or tell me that it's okay to take it easy. Not even my therapist tells me that, because she also knows there is no other way. Even if i were to become open about my difficulties, how much i am enduring i already know no one will help me. They will Just look at me like i grew a second head and ignore me. So at some point i gave up. My best will never be enough for people, so why should i even try my best? Whatever happens happens, so i will Just live to the best of my ability until i die. Those people who live in a different world should also live their own lives.

Comments

musicallessness
Oh, it's disheartening to give so much unconditional love trying to learn the many conditions the way people are and what and how they want it. Rest assured, you are not alone. As a case manager says, I feel like I am constantly hypersensitive to people around me. Ugh, don't worry; keep meditating and praying. I was watching youtube about the three distinct sounds that form the basics of the language and that s ahh, ooo, and mmmm. Ahh, it is the root vibrations that vibrate in your core area. Ooo, is what vibrates the heart and throat chakra, and mmmm vibrates the head. So, choose to be delighted in your autistic abilities and be joyful in our gifts because, after all, it is a gift that we sort of know what each of us with these autistic traits is. So, research and write more and more. Perhaps, as I started accepting my autism a few years back, I saw a video of a non-verbal (excuse me of the lame label the normies call it). Boy, was she smart and heck, but her family and therapists were kind of mean, giving her a request that she had to type it on the computer if she wanted something. Writing sucks, but it's better for me as my oral speech gets kind of for babbling of loops of PTSD, and when there's too much to say, I go off and babble in another language. Good luck and God bless and be kind to yourself, and we all have gone through a lot. And remember to smile cause you're worth it :)
 
W
It is okay to take it easy. To breathe and watch the clouds float by. Ease yourself into a chair. And take a moment to still your mind. Often this helps greatly with our difficulties. Take time to truly relax.
 
AprilR
musicallessness said:
Oh, it's disheartening to give so much unconditional love trying to learn the many conditions the way people are and what and how they want it. Rest assured, you are not alone. As a case manager says, I feel like I am constantly hypersensitive to people around me. Ugh, don't worry; keep meditating and praying. I was watching youtube about the three distinct sounds that form the basics of the language and that s ahh, ooo, and mmmm. Ahh, it is the root vibrations that vibrate in your core area. Ooo, is what vibrates the heart and throat chakra, and mmmm vibrates the head. So, choose to be delighted in your autistic abilities and be joyful in our gifts because, after all, it is a gift that we sort of know what each of us with these autistic traits is. So, research and write more and more. Perhaps, as I started accepting my autism a few years back, I saw a video of a non-verbal (excuse me of the lame label the normies call it). Boy, was she smart and heck, but her family and therapists were kind of mean, giving her a request that she had to type it on the computer if she wanted something. Writing sucks, but it's better for me as my oral speech gets kind of for babbling of loops of PTSD, and when there's too much to say, I go off and babble in another language. Good luck and God bless and be kind to yourself, and we all have gone through a lot. And remember to smile cause you're worth it :)
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for your kind words. I used to do yoga, so i know about those chants (sounds) It was very relaxing and helped a lot with my anxiety.
 
Slim Jim
So I'm browsing your blogs, I missed this part of the site....

Hey If anybody deserves to feel contentment it's you April. You appear very nice, easy going and just down to earth! (One person here atleast likes you..!) I don't know how you might appear to others. Wether they really do treat you like somebody with two heads. I don't know what you difficulties are, the extent of it, or how you present IRL. But it's like me, I can't ever truly relax with people either. I have felt stress, from social situations. It can be very hard to release the tension. You can get worked up into a frenzy. Like you need decompression time! I can't imagine what it's like. To be down there in T----y . A lone woman. Facing what you are facing. I don't know how you handle things in your country. But don't make it drive you crazy. We all mess up.

You say how you dread work, being fired,this feeling like dying... you're probably in better shape than me! from what you say, at least physically, surely financially. Mentally? You just need helpful people, people who are supportive around you, people you feel comfortable with, to suppress your anxiety. I'm sure if you you persist and keep it up, think of the positive, you will find happiness.
 
AprilR
Thank you so much, it's very kind of you to say that. Honestly overall my life is pretty good right now, i recently lost an old friend (as in, we are not talking anymore) which hurts a little but i have a few more friends who doesn't seem to hate me and i have a stable job, at least i am not fired yet.

The fact that i can never be open with my family and loved ones about my difficulties is what makes me struggle. But at least i have a psychiatrist that helps me and these forums help me get some things out of my chest. In the past i didn't even understand some things about myself let alone seek help.
 

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AprilR
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