Red [and brown] Noise

When do you hear brown noise?

I can feel brown, but I don't hear it...and there are so many different browns.

Like white noise.
Different ranges of "static" noise or disruption noise are called different colours.
Red/brown is for the way the pattern of the noise is:
Brownian noise - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It tends to be in a lower range and more muddled, I guess? At least that's how I hear it. Anyway it's easier on my ears.

Admittedly I haven't tried listening to much other than brown/red, pink or white. I am not a fan of pink or white.

That is won-der-ful. And exactly what I needed, tonight.

woot woot

I'm a fan of fans are they white noise or brown noise?
On your hate thing I'm really struggling with that. This person tried to intentionally set me up to be humiliated and ruined, to break me up with my ex-girlfriend. All to get something small and stupid which she didn't get anyways. Then wants to come prancing back la la la I still want to be part of your family. I'm not one for grudges but I feel like I'm trapped in a horror movie. How can I be around some one who thought it was okay to do stuff to me like that. I like being nice... but I still get physically ill just thinking on it...any advice Laz?

Sorry, Maelstrom ... I've been a bit distracted

"How can I be around some one who thought it was okay to do stuff to me like that. I like being nice... but I still get physically ill just thinking on it...any advice Laz?"

There are people who have really quite literally tried to destroy me- in any of the arenas of life- I don't feel most of these people are worth engaging with. You can draw a hard line without hating someone and without being actively adversarial.

One of these people was [is? I supposed tangentially] a part of my extended family who made my ill grandfather's life a living hell- abuse and isolation, mostly. When my mother went to check on the situation, this person literally came after her and my grandfather with a butcher knife... [ETA: that's just the best summary of this person's toxicity and violent behavior]

Another was someone I [foolishly, it turns out] thought was a kind of kindred spirit who just "turned on a dime"- ended up stalking me and harrassing me for over a year, trashing my name- both my online pseudonym and my legal name, attempting to destroy all credibility I had with anyone they could get their hands on.

Another was verbally abusive and, I guess... "ethically neglectful"?... and in a position of power over me and used it to make me feel less than human. Because of them I am forever literally scared of medical professionals and have to push through that fear and panic whenever I have to see a new practitioner, and have a milder version anytime I see even doctors I know "well". ...eventually it became obvious through records that their priority was not necessarily treating patients, but forwarding a professional goal- in doing this they had to conduct their "care"/treatment in a way that denied validation and acknowledgement of a real [already existing] diagnosis.

There are also individuals who I feel are way more mundane than any of these examples but generally who have hurt me because of intent to do so.

...I'm trying to give context about where I come from on this. It takes a long time for me to get over the original blow- the event/events that occurred. But I think that if I let a person dictate how I feel all the time, if I carry that hate around with me, they continue to hurt me. Even if I think this "hate" or "revenge" feeling is a driving force for something- it's not. It can really weigh me down.

When someone has hurt me I try to give myself space from them- literally and otherwise. I have to make sure the decisions I make are not because I want to "show them" something, but because I want to benefit myself. If I consider involving myself with someone who has been hurtful, i have to consider what benefit it might have for me.

Do a risk/benefit analysis, Mael. Why would you want this person in your life?

You don't have to be "nice". For me... I always feel like "nice" is this thing I act out so everyone in the room feels more comfortable. Why do I need to make people comfortable if all they do is hurt me?

You can be "not mean" but refrain from being "actively nice". You can also state boundaries.

If someone makes me physically ill, if they take up much of my mental space? I don't know that i owe them any of my time. I DO owe myself the respect of not being exposed to people who hurt me, who provide no benefit [that is, friendship/care/concern- a reciprocal relationship].

I don't know if any of this helps- some is likely even contradictory. It's what I go through when people hurt me, and badly. I know that I owe it to myself to avoid toxins in the least. This is not acting on a grudge, this is valuing myself and personal preservation. I can do that without hating- but I don't have to be "nice".

Haha. Rambling. Hopefully something in there might spark thoughts toward a solution for you?

[edited for clarity]

Thank you Laz for your advice I think you are right, sometimes you you have to choose survival over trying to help someone, or be their friend, but I still feel bad about not being able to be kind to them. But some people seem to be like Black Holes if you go anywhere near them they suck you in and shred you.

I'm sorry Laz you've had such a rough time of it, i hope you find some truly nice people to make your life more pleasant.

"I hope you find some truly nice people to make your life more pleasant..."

I do. Everyone has "trials and tribulations". It helps make us who we are. :]