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Day to Day Life

  1. Apparently, it is "selfish" of me to be genuine, and not use fake social scripts...

    I've been really depressed and emotional lately, due to a multitude of factors. It's hard to define them all here, but I'll try: - working on CPTSD recovery, which involves a lot of wading around in traumatic memories - getting constantly triggered on accident by my boyfriend - getting sensory overload/overwhelmed on accident by my boyfriend - my boyfriend having emotional needs I can't even begin to fulfill when I'm in this state - flashbacks, oh god, flashbacks - getting hypervigilant and...
  2. A g h

    Something happened today that seems very insignificant, and I suppose it it. My phone screen cracked. Hadn't dropped it, just hit it with the metal part of the seatbelt. I had never previously broken a phone screen before, and it's taking a bit of getting used to. Only thing is, it sent me into a shutdown, I think. I was suddenly aware of how "naked" I was (I had not been wearing long sleeves/a jacket, and I didn't have my earbuds), and I was very afraid. My brain became stuck, and I...
  3. Therapy this week

    As I always do at the beginning of "Therapy Weeks", I'm debating on whether I should bring up autism. I also usually get too afraid to, and refer to the giant list of stuff I wanted to bring up since last year. It feels like I'm doing myself a disservice, by not utilizing the time I have to talk about what I want to. It kinda feels like I'm lying, in a way? Lying to my therapist, too. To make myself feel better, I'll organize all my documents into a folder. I also got another bad headache...
  4. Wiped Out

    So these past couple days have been interesting, to say the least. I've never known myself to have anger issues, but I've noticed that I get annoyed very quickly in situations that wouldn't bother me before. Other kids asking questions in class, a couple of kids talking over the teacher/when they aren't supposed to. Mainly to do with talking, I guess. I noticed that I repeated "shut up" a lot in my head, but I didn't say it out loud. Maybe I'm too stressed? I can't figure out how though. But...
  5. GI Issue?

    another emeto warning! So I get nauseous a lot. It's indiscriminatory. I could be eating, drinking something, smelling something, standing still (lol), and I'm nauseous. It sucks, because I did ask my doctor about it beforehand, and she gave me meds for it, but they gave me horrible headaches. So out of fear, I flushed them. Mainly because they tasted like candy, and I didn't want to be tempted. But now I don't know what to do. Is it the food I eat? Is it olfactory input? I just don't know!...
  6. April 23

    Hey People! This is Mike again. Yesterday was a tough day. Was real anxious throughout the day, really feeling my mom's absence. At one point, I even hallucinated her in the house talking to my nephew but it was my dad talking to my nephew. I haven't had the best couple of weeks. I miss my mom, I miss my gf, I find it hard to maintain interest in things, I wrecked my car Sat.night, I can't get much play from the ladies online or IRL, and basically, right now Life Sucks. If i thought it would...
  7. Basically Stuck Either Way

    There's a lot of ways this applies in my life. For example, wearing a binder. I'm dysphoric without it, and dysphoric with it. More aware of my chest, constantly feeling it to see if I've "slipped" and have to adjust. Another instance is in school work I have to do. The teacher assigned a podcast and some questions to answer. Of course, the first thing I do is look up a transcription, but... It's not punctuated, in a weird font, and is in big blocks of text. I emailed the teacher about any...
  8. Ow, my head!

    emeto warning! I know some people don't want to read about nausea and what comes with it, so this is a warning! So, I have frequent headaches. Often enough that I usually decline meds for it in fear of becoming dependent/tolerant of it. However, not frequently enough to really tie it down to one thing. They usually happen after long, loud, social days, but other times it can happen after I change the cat's litter. Would this be a kind of sensory overload, or just connected to heightened...
  9. Lost my train of thought...

    I had a good idea of what I wanted to write here, keyword "had". I suppose I'm dreading going back to school next week. That first day back is always horrifying, being bombarded with noise and smells and lights and people all at once. But at least I'll have a kind of structure in my life again! I feel kind of weird, because some days I feel "Wow, I really think I am autistic, I should really ask my mom/therapist about this", while others I feel totally "normal", as subjective as that may be....
  10. Wowza!

    It's been a long while since I was on here, mostly due to my horrible memory, getting more involved with school, and falling back into my default cycle of social media, games, repeat. However, I wanted to try and figure things out the way I do best: talking/typing to myself! I would like to ask my therapist about being autistic, seeing as I've created a Google Doc with various criterias and personal experiences, including multiple results from RDOS. I see him every 2 weeks, and after every...
  11. Freezing and Advice..

    I've been freezing quite alot when there's too many people around me, i don't know why.. I don't know how. And i always have to fight myself to keep moving. My legs will sometimes freeze, my mind goes numb. Shopping is extremely difficult and i try and avoid the same people twice as i worry i'll annoy them. Which is painful for me when i really need food, or i need to go do something such as visit the post office to get a package. I sometimes outright refuse to go out as i worry that i have...
  12. I Don't Want to Follow The Sheep.

    I'm sick of having all my hopes and ambitions dismissed, because nobody else wants to do that. I don't want to talk about memes all day everyday, i don't find that stuff funny all the damn time. I don't want to follow, i am sick of having peer pressure put on me. When now i just naturally resist it, i don't want to leave because everyone else wants to leave. I don't care if i look "Weird" i enjoy being the outsider now. I want to be an individual. Not some fool questioning my life everyday...
  13. Introduction I Guess

    My life has been pretty normal I went to a public school near my home town where I was quite literally "born and raised". However I've always been a weird kid and I never really knew why. Now I think I have found the answer but I'd like to post it on here to get a little closure i guess, also just to put into words all the thoughts I have when im left alone. In classes I am (in my opinion fairly good) especially at maths and physics, and oddly history however I struggle to write the essays I...
  14. A Letter to my Asperger’s Syndrome

    i saw someone do this so i thought “why not?” dear Asperger’s Syndrome; you confuse me a lot still to this day. how we met is unusual since neither of my parents carry you. but to me, you’ve worked against and for me. you make me think and feel deeper, which i’m grateful for at times and others...not too much. but because of you i have a math deficiency, yet i would’ve had that either way because math sucks. but you help me understand literature better, you’ve given me a lot of insight to...
  15. still recovering... this may take a while...

    And... I had another meltdown yesterday. Sigh. I'm obviously still recovering from the trauma. At first, I couldn't understand why I was falling apart when everything was okay. For some reason, my brain wants to keep screaming everything is NOT okay and that I need to run away. It keeps picking at everything that is wrong, everything that is different about me. The final straw was the cat literally spraying me directly the other night. All day yesterday I was. It's hard to describe the...
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