I can already tell that the word limit on this blog will be an issue. Quite a lot happened in recent days.
Friday I had root canal. Unpleasant as ever. Similar to my last one – I had 3 injections and was still in a lot of pain during the procedure. When I got to work Tom said I was late and couldn’t take as long a lunch. I had made up more than enough time in overtime to earn a full lunch break but I didn’t fight my corner or attempt to tell him he was wrong. It was a short shift anyway. Didn’t get much done all day – I just wasn’t feeling it.
Got home and mum answers the door and looks upset. I got ready to go out to meet Jack and before I left I went into the garden and asked mum what was wrong. She went into a tirade about how I was forcing her to lie to my dad about me smoking and eating in my bedroom. Also I didn’t spend enough time with them and I was wasting my talents not doing more art etc. What started as quit an angry speech ended with a hug and some reconciliation. I tried explaining to her about weed – but I also said I knew she’d never see it in a positive light. Her cannabis knowledge is nothing but media sensationalism – all she knows is about skunk and psychosis and people with schitzophrenia etc. She tried insinuating that all my mental health issues were because of cannabis.
Recently she’s been getting into spiritualism and wanting to try meditation. I said that cannabis opens up the mind in different ways, but it’s not this demon drug that the media would have you believe. I spoke of my mental health struggles and that whilst my dream is to make it as an artist, every time I’ve tried – I’ve failed and I live with a real belief in my talents along with an overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. “But you shouldn’t feel unworthy” – would it were so simple.
At one point she came up real close to my face and with the most obvious smirking grin she said “You do know the side effects of cannabis don’t you?” To which I replied “You do realise what you’re doing? That expression and smugness on your face?” She denied making a face at all. Honestly though, I often feel talked down to by them. She had brought up recurring themes of assuming they’re bad parents. I told her that I didn’t believe that they were. I tried to explain my difficulties etc. but I don’t think they’ll ever truly understand ASD or ADHD. They know of other people who have it, but how it relates to day to day behaviour of me – I’m just never going to be good enough.
“You have so much potential” is what I was being told (again). Not living up to your potential. A term that has echoed in my head since I was a child. Here I was being told it again. It didn’t take long in the conversation before I felt like I was holding back tears.
She asked me to spend more time with them – asking “what was wrong with them” and “why can’t you spend more time with us”. Which I get – it’s a fair point. But I also know that I can’t just force socialising. I told her how draining I find socialising in general. There’s a time and a place for it. Heck, recently I’d found that meeting Jack once a week on a Friday night was enough socialising for me for the week outside of brief online IM chats with friends.
I’m glad the initial animosity had calmed down by the end of our conversation though. Jack rang towards the end and I said I’d be there in 10-15 mins. My mum demanded I read a book she has about angels. I felt awkward as I don’t believe in that. I said I didn’t believe in organised religion and mum (who was raised catholic and went to a boarding school run by nuns) said she didn’t believe in organised religion either. But near the end of our conversation she asked me in a very emotional way – “But you do believe Jesus is the son of God don’t you?” I didn’t even answer to be honest. I didn’t want to agree to reading the book either. I tried explaining I’m not good with finishing any books (let alone one’s that won’t appeal to me). She’d asked me a few days earlier to read the book and I outright said no. But Friday she was being quite forceful. She said in a firm tone “read the book” and thrust it towards me. “Promise me you’ll read the book”. It’s about an Irish mystic who sees angels all the time (apparently). It really isn’t my cup of tea. I opened the book and the text was the smallest I’d seen a book printed in. Why so small? Irritation. Maybe I’ll try and find an audiobook on Youtube. Might actually finish it that way.
Met with Jack and we went to McDonald’s but the queue was insane. So we drove to the local supermarket and got some snacks. Drove back to the park near his and had a smoke. His brother Joe wandered up the park for a smoke and stayed for a chat. In fact, Jack went home first. He was hinting at wanting Joe to come with, but he stayed and chatted with me. Joe is a lot easier to talk to. We have a lot of similar interests, experiences and beliefs. He doesn’t monologue like Jack does. Also, in recent years Jack has been loading up on conspiracy theories, reading the news too much and moving towards a belief that far right politics will solve current political weakness. Ahh, pick up a history book – it’s happened before and it doesn’t help. He loses it when his beliefs get compared to fascism. He hates liberals, LGBT and all sorts. It’s not a nice side to a person. Much like religion – keep your political beliefs to yourself. But he doesn’t, and he goes on and on.
Me and Joe chatted to nearly midnight. He said he’d buy some of my art and asked to see my portfolio. Happy times.
On Saturday I played PSU with Sallis in the morning. We were on voice chat for an hour or so. Then I went and had a late breakfast and chatted with my dad for a couple of hours about politics, history and war. It was a great chat and it’s what my mum had asked me to do the day before. Then I went out on a bike ride. Really sunny day. Had a smoke on the edge a field. Cloud gazing with my sunglasses on which is lovely to stop the squinting and glare – so you can look wide eyed at all the detail in the clouds. Got home and had a shower.
Met up with Jack later, went to the shop and he mentioned 2 brothers had just gone in and they stunk – apparently infamous for it. I was intrigued. I saw these 2 rather inbred looking types and instantly clocked it must be them. Jack wasn’t wrong – their stench; well, I’ve never experienced anything like it. Acrid, acidic and overwhelming. It was literally stinging my nose and throat when I was near them - disgusting.
We went up the park and chatted and I did some staffing. Then I suggested we get McDonald’s. On the drive my tooth flared up – intense toothache. Why now? He suggested I drop him off and rest up. I did and on the drive back it disappeared. But that began the waves I’m still getting. Short waves of intense toothache that last 5-15 minutes or so.
Spent the evening playing New Vegas. Went to bed at 8, then woke up at 11, 2, 3, 4 and finally got up at 5. Had a wake and bake then went on an early morning cycle around 8. Misty fens and a nice overcast, and cool morning. Had to stay in for the Tesco food delivery which was nay time between 10 and 6. Messaged Joe to see if he was free to look at my portfolio. In the end we met at 4 in Wilburton (the village next to mine) and went up the park for a smoke. Again – I was stunned at how good the conversation was. Back n forth, similar ideas and beliefs. Wonderfully flowing conversation. 4 hours flew by. He looked at all my work and in the end said he wanted a copy of my latest (and unfinished) piece. So there’s incentive to get it finished.
This week I’m seeing Sanjay – the guy who quit the rat race years back to pursue art full time. He wants to see my portfolio and will help me network. Get ideas etc. I joined Instagram on Friday. He sent me links to local psychedelic artistd and said to look at what hash tags the use. I did so and posted a few of my pictures and got a decent amount of likes considering it was my first 2 posts. Onwards and upwards.
I said to Joe that it’s all well and good having an online presence. I know that a lot have huge followings due to social media. For me, every sale has been through face to face encounters. Sanjay said face to face is hugely important. It’s what I want to push for.
This Wednesday I get my new phone. 108 megapixel camera – can’t wait. Get new printer inks next month and start working on filling all my empty frames. Get stuff ready to sell and then find some local art n craft fairs and make some sales. With money in my hand, I will have incentive to create more. Right now I feel at a stalemate because I’ve created so much and only sold 4 prints – no originals.
Got to keep pushing though, and I will. Whilst my mum’s phrasing of things on Friday felt a little confrontational and condescending, I know her heart is in the right place. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a creative person. We all deserve to follow our dream, and I can’t give up in pursuing it. No matter how easily I might get disheartened and how many times things don’t pan out how I want them to. Nobody is their own boss, with their own business and doesn’t have to work hard for it. If I want to succeed – I need to go at this tooth and nail. Sure, it’s hard to find enthusiasm and willpower to get a lot done after another draining week at work. But baby steps in the right direction is better than planning to move leaps and bounds – fail and then give up and brand myself a failure (again).
2 week wait for my next dental appointment. Booked a third as he said it mght need 3. Here’s hoping it doesn’t. I’m going to call the estate agent today as I haven’t chased them in 9 days. Hopefully we’ll hear something this week.
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