• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Best make a move

Quiet evening with Meg planned. Nice food, snacks, back rub, chill at mine. Film and an early night.

Got invited to a dinner with Meg, her mum and her step dad as he's got a new job. Change of plan. I go with it. A change of pace mind. Going from a quiet night at mine to recharge and then faced with a Turkish restaurant in a city on a Friday night for a group dinner. Hopefully goes ok - either way it'll wear me out.

Tomorrow morning will be a fairly early start and I imagine once we get back to mine tonight after this dinner we'll be going to bed not long after arriving. I changed the mattress as Meg asked how I'd feel about sleeping on the floor as she found the mattress in my room to be too soft. I asked mum the other day if we could move it. But after my folks came home from lunch today, my mum went off to the bedroom to do her "download". I think it's what she's calling her spiritualism and pendulum stuff. Either way, she does it several hours a day and that's her private time. So I went into the spare bedroom. Stuff all over the bed. Stress. Take it all off, undo the bed and it's got extra covers and pillows and all sorts of BS to put back where I found it. Get that all moved, notice how thick this mattress is. Go to lift it. Yup - heaviest mattress I've ever encountered. Still, I get the swap done. Come within a breath of knocking over a mug of coffee all over the beige carpet. Also lost balance at several points and crashed into things. But it got done. I now have a very tall bed. Will take a little bit of getting used to. Perhaps a firmer mattress will improve aches and pains? Not sure. But I guess a change is as good as the rest.

Tonight we might get an hour or so to ourselves after we get back from dinner, but not much time really. Not to say we're not together this evening at dinner, it's just different to what I had expected and been running with for a few days. I fair better than a lot on the spectrum with spontinuity, but I still find it jarring and it takes a while to process it. Adds to fatigue, and also unpleasant emotions at times if the plan being replaced was something I was looking forward to.

Tomorrow night is dinner at Guy's, during the day time I've got a craft fair, and Meg will be doing her cabinets in the van. Not looking forward to the dinner tbh. Inner critic has been having a field day with it ever since Guy first suggested it. I guess it's been a long time coming. Guy's daughter is going to be there. Not sure if that makes it better or worse. I guess at least it means it won't be a late one. When I bumped into Marcus yesterday he was very drunk and jolly. He mentioned as he always does that we need to meet up with Guy and that he'd drop him a message. Haven't heard anything from Guy to suggest he's invited Marcus over tomorrow. Don't want it to be anymore draining than it already will be. Yes, I know it comes across as being a downer - yet it's just all the variables and mixed emotions behind socialising. It takes energy before, during and after the event. Just how I live.

Sunday morning we're driving up to see Meg's dad's side of the family to go apple picking. New location, new group etc. First time meeting Meg's dad. It'll be interesting to meet new people, but again - it's energy depletion. This week's focus was restoring energy levels. Truth be told I wanted a few weeks or a month off when I first quit my job. But I didn't allow myself to do it for fear of it not ending and me making nothing again of my art. Well, I tried and made £911 in a few months, so it's not all bad. But I did go from work stress to art stress, and only gave myself the last 4 day bank holiday weekend as my actual rest time. So burnout and cumulative stress plus reduced tolerance to stress. This week off before I start the new job has gone very fast. Just like the good old days of taking time off work.

Hoping that Sunday evening and Monday morning will be restful, as it doesn't look like the rest of the weekend will be. Still, it's new experiences and I keep saying I have to push myself. Hopefully crumble this weekend. As I believe the past 4 attempts or plans have failed. But we shall see.

Work on Tuesday. Had 7 documents to read and sign. Refused to sign one which basically would have agree to working over 48 hours a week when needed. I told their HR department that I'm happy to work overtime where required, but I'm not signing that. Don't want to be locked in. Emailed the person the documents back last night. Asked this morning about dress code - smart casual she said, but jeans and trainers were allowed. Also requested 7th November off so I can visit this gallery about my artwork being part of a 3 month exhibition. I read in one of the documents that holiday had to be booked 4 weeks in advance, and this falls within that. Mind you, I hadn't got the reply from the gallery until after my interview. However, it does mean I can't do the extra work, as that's several days and even sooner than the gallery appointment. I don't want to take the p when I've not even started my first day.

I read the contract, first time I've ever read one, and it's kinda depressing reading. Also they kept referring to the company with a capital C. The more I read it, the more I kept thinking of another word that begins with c.

Meg is driving back at the moment. Took a while to hear from her. Expecting a 4pm finish, so I messaged sporadically and waited over an hour for a reply. I saw her online status times change 3 or 4 times and I guess it just started to wind me up a bit. Again - something I'm looking forward to, so feeling eager than usual to hear from her. But she apologised and explained. She took a call from her boss as she was in the middle of typing to me. Understandable, no reason to feel negative feelings - so just add it to the pile and move on etc.

I'm sat out in the Fens by a river. Went for an hour walk. Still got another 20 mins or so until I get back. Wanted to clear my head a bit before shower and then going to this dinner. Also want to feel in a happier place before meeting Meg. We don't get much time together and I feel especially guilty when I'm not feeling good around her. Especially after last week's pervasive atmosphere that didn't really lift until the last 5-10 minutes we were together on Sunday. So it feels like the pressure is on.

Not going to lie - feeling a bit down, but I need to put my game face on. Besides, the week as a whole has felt a lot more positive throughout. Don't really want to be back in an office job next week I'm not going to lie. It'll be a new drain and stressor. Bunch of mixed emotions about it all. Will have to see how burnout goes. It'll be back to masking. I hope they let me use headphones once I'm trained up.

Found out its only 30 min lunch break. Never worked somewhere that didn't give you an hour. Same with overtime, it's a flat rate. No extras. Still, it's the best salary I've earned. Not that that's anything spectacular, as I've always had a fairly low wage. 2 jobs at 22k, this one is 23.5 but I can tell by the role and responsibilities - it's going to be stressful.

Hmm I'm getting quite chilly sat here. Best make a move.

20220916_181345.jpg


EDIT - Last week's atmosphere has gone. Intimacy and conversation was all elevated and wonderful. Dinner was nice, but the restaurant was full. Background noise was deafening. Thankfully we sat at a corner table and I was facing the window - couldn't have asked for a better seat as it helped reduce visual overwhelm by being sat looking into a room full of people. Food was lovely but very filling.

Got back to her house and looked at a box of oddities Meg's mum had, then we walked to mine. A happy and energised walk. We watched a film/documentart about mushrooms. It was magical. Got maybe 90 mins of time to ourselves before bed. Most of that was me doing a backrub, then Meg was sleepy. It got me a little down realising the night was over. Too focused on time I fear. I think it's the lack of time where its just the 2 of us that's getting me down. In the first month of dating the lions share of time spent together was just the two of us and I loved it As we started socialising more my anxiety and fatigue went up. Now it seems the lions share of what little time we have together is spent with other people.

Me time is important, but so is time for just us 2. This morning when we wake up we get another 90 mins together before we have to go. That is if she wakes up at first alarm at 7. Its 3am right now. Woke up and can't get back to sleep. Can't really be bothered with this craft fair today. Oh well. (EDIT 3 - got the days wrong. It's tomorrow, but I said I'd drive us to Nottingham and back to go apple picking. I'd rather that than miss it for a 2 hour craft fair in a village).

Here's hoping next weekend we get more time when it's just the two of us. Yesterday night was supposed to be, and I assumed Sunday would too. But then plans change and she asks 'do you want to do this' and I agree, cos otherwise I would see her even less than I currently do.

Suppose I best try and sleep.

EDIT 2 - yup, brain is awake, not sure I've got much chance of sleep now. Up at 2:30am on less than 4 hours sleep, with a 4 hour wait until my alarm to then spend 90 mins with Meg before we go. This focus on time needs to stop, it's become a fixation of late. Guess at least it means I can sleep most of the day after the craft fair so I'm not waiting as long to see her this evening. It's what I did last weekend too tbh. I guess it's fair to say my co-dependency hasn't changed a great deal. I feel like I'm waiting a lot these days. Even when I do things, there's still a perpetual feeling I'm waiting for her. It's odd. Doesn't sound healthy either does it? I can rationalise it as two people who make each other happy, and when I'm prone to periods of feeling blue, of course I'd naturally look forward to moments spent with someone where I feel happier. Of course, this isn't exclusively with Meg, as I can chat with friends and feel happy too. Then again, the level of understanding I've found with Meg makes sense too, hence the longing etc. It's early days though, people adapt and overcome etc. Last week's display of worry pushed her to overwhelm, and I don't want a repeat of that for either of us. Still, on Saturday morning she invited me over after the craft fair date mix up. But I declined, as I know me time is important, and she doesn't get much time at her house - so it's good to let her do her own thing.

In the end Meg woke up, she asked if something was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it, but I said no and that she should go to bed. I went to get some cereal but couldn't manage much. I made a coffee too. Figured I'd go on the PC and have the monitor brightness down low, so it's not too intrusive when someone is sleeping in the room. When I switched on the PC and sat down she had turned upside down in the bed and chatted to me. I was honest about how I felt we didn't get as much time just the two of us, and how the change of plans can set my brain off. About the fatigue, about how I often feel like I'm waiting. As ever, she was understanding and considerate.

But in a way spontineity and change of plans help me, as I don't have time to think, because before you know it; you're doing it. These recent plans and changes we've had happen in advance, and dread and doubt set in pretty much after agreeing to do something. But that's not exclusive to Meg - that's whenever I agree to do something. Which is why I try these days to just react when someone wants to do something in the spur of the moment. Those sort of situations I seem to do better in. Need to try this duvet day though. We've mentioned it a couple of times. An actual day of nothing. Not literally all day in bed, but something more than a lie in. Then again, I don't lie in much. Once I'm up, I'm up.

She asked me on Saturday morning if I wanted to go to a gig with her next Friday. I declined, as I'm not sure I'd do well with the sensory extremes at a live venue. Crowds, booze, loud loud noises, sweat, stiffling, crowds. It's been over a decade since I went to a gig or rave. No more of the party drugs. So I think not. That's not to say you need to be intoxicated to attend such a place. I just always had a booze or drug buffer for such events. Mind you, I never drank back then to be honest. That was more of a solo affair too. Never say never, but right now - I'm not in the headspace for a gig that's a fair old drive from mine. It's too much.

I love music, but it's a very personal experience for me. Mind you, that does make me and Meg's shared passion for music all the more special. I'd be foolish to deny myself gigs and festivals in the future as I know I'd probably thrive there eventually. As my fire spinning - well, all sorts ask if I do them at festivals. Last one Meg went to said the people doing staffing there weren't anywhere near as good as I was. It's nice to hear, but again - staffing tends to be a very personal thing to me. I'm a recluse, it's probably why buying this more expressive clothing is making my inner critic shudder whilst out in public. How I look already gets enough attention, and not it feels almost wanton. Yet I do want to express myself again in my clothing. Been sat amongst grey and faded greens and blues for years now.

I guess the first week at this new job should be fairly chilled out. You get a decent buffer in a new job where mistakes happen. I love that grace period, before I start making mistakes and getting into real trouble, and the meetings, and then the threat of disciplinary action etc. All good fun. Still, as Meg reminded me - it's a means to an end. I kind of lost sight of that this past week.

Ed

Comments

There are no comments to display.

Blog entry information

Author
Raggamuffin
Read time
11 min read
Views
121
Last update

More entries in Everyday Life

  • Yes bruv!
    Friday was productive at work, but how I left took some time to...
  • A relaxing week
    Threw up last night - whoops. Too much good food and I knew I should've...
  • Is good, yes?
    Woke up just before 8am. My internal clock has woken me up around this...
  • 7.7
    Walked 7.7 miles last night. My head was swimming. Gets sore walking...
  • Creepy Crust
    Neck ache is real bad of late. Going to the park in the next village to...

More entries from Raggamuffin

  • Rest is key
    Woke up 5 times last night. Had an early night - in bed before 9. Me...
  • I know I'm in good hands
    Felt a little low last night. Meg got to the work site, we had a decent...
  • No
    Been posting about work struggles in detail on my Facebook art page...
  • Quite a juxtaposition
    Woke up with about 90 mins before I had to go to work. Nerves made me a...
  • Moshi Mushi?
    Ate some fungi. Thought it'd put me in a better state for my new job...

Share this entry

Top Bottom