I tried to look into the emotion behind my daily aches and pains. I concluded it must be fear. This set me off in tears as I thought to myself - I am always afraid. Ever since I started seeing Dr's about my constant pains and they attempted to reassure me that it was 'just anxiety'. I was still afraid however. In fact, every time I get a pain - I am afraid.
I look to my how I live my life and I'm scared of people, scared of losing my job, of my family judging me, of my health, my diet, my teeth, world events and money. Perfectly normal to some, abnormal for others. For me - I attach catastrophic thoughts to so much in life. Every day it's a barrage of fearful and negative thoughts - and it doesn't stop. I suppose ADHD and ASD can go some way to prove my brain is wired differently. It is what it is - I experience life in a very intense way, that means striking an emotional balance isn't easy. I go from one extreme to the next.
That's not to say it's all negative. I feel a deep sense of enjoyment for nature and animals, music and food. I get very moved emotionally though. As a child I had many moments of overwhelming fear too. These became more prolonged and dominant as I grew up. When I was a kid, I cried a lot and became rather renowned for it - the cry baby. As I got older I bottled it up; damming up emotions during stressful situations and not allowing myself the release and conclusion that crying provides. Beneath the surface and the social mask - I find I'm extremely fragile. Friends have claimed I have strengths, but all this fear sows doubt and in truth I feel a lot of unworthiness. I go extended periods where multiple times a week I'm almost moved to tears but I'm rarely allowing it to spill over. I just feel so full.
Amidst the tears this morning I tried to reassure myself it was alright - that I'm not in any danger. But I live amidst my own narrative, and whilst there might not be any reason to be afraid - it's my own truth. Now that I have stopped crying and began to write and explore this more - I feel a lot calmer. There is a degree of shame attached to crying I think - it makes me fearful of allowing myself a perfectly normal reaction to intense emotions.
Beliefs aren't reality, but our thoughts can convince us otherwise.
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