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Be Yourself? But What If Being Yourself Isn't Acceptable?

In my church, it is customary for the children to be read a short story before they are dismissed to their classes. The pictures are shown on an overhead screen so that everyone can see what the story is about. I usually enjoy this part of the service, but not the story chosen last Sunday. It was called "Ten Thousand Dresses."

Before she read the story to the group, the moderator asked the children if they liked doing girl things if they were boys and if they liked doing boy things if they were girls. So right away, we knew that this was a story about a child who liked to do things that weren't considered "appropriate" for his or her gender. Now, if this were simply a story about a boy who dreamed of designing dresses, I would not have a problem with it. But Bailey seems to have some gender identity issues going on as well. Bailey thinks of "herself" as a "girl" but her family and everyone around her insists that Bailey is a boy. And we are told that this is perfectly ok, that Bailey should be "herself", and it is her evil family and friends that just don't get it. Everyone should just accept Bailey for who Bailey is.

Uh. no. I disagree. That is quite a bit to be asking of anyone. There is a saying, "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it is a duck." Not a chicken. Not a swan. A duck. Now there is a lot we aren't told about Bailey (after all, it is a children's story), but I am going to assume that Bailey has the conventional male equipment down there and has at least one Y chromosome. Bailey, no matter what Bailey thinks or wants, is a boy. Now, when Bailey becomes an adult and wishes to go through all the trouble of surgically and hormonally changing genders, it's a free country and more power to him/her if he/she can afford it. Until that time, it's another story. If I, as an adult, find it confusing when presented with a situation like that, how much more confused do you think the children listening to this story might be? You look like a boy, you dress like a boy, your mother and father and brother calls you a boy, but you really are a girl?

The question I have is does accepting someone mean accepting their delusions as well? And if so, where does one draw the line? I can claim to be anything I want but sooner or later reality is going to hit home.

Part of what makes society work is we tend to take people to be what they appear to be. It's human nature. We assume that someone wearing a police uniform is in fact a police officer. Someone dressed like a surgeon in a hospital setting is a doctor. If they are not what they are presenting themselves to be, then they have some explaining to do. People do not like being fooled. This is something Bailey needs to learn.

I can't say, "We love you Bailey, be yourself", as the leader wanted us to say whenever Bailey encountered negative reactions. Because there are some "selves" that are not socially acceptable. Those of us on the spectrum know that all too well. We find ourselves shunned and discriminated against precisely because we are ourselves.

I am more and more convinced that "being yourself" is a privileged luxury not for everyone. That it depends very much on who and where you are in society. Some people have more freedom to be themselves than others. Some selves are more acceptable than others.

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Spinning Compass
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