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Balance is a tricksy hobbit.

I've made it through my first month back in med school. It's been quite the month. In january I was sitting at home, overweight, chainsmoking, binge drinking and worrying about the future. These last four weeks I've spent twelve hours a day studying, I've stopped smoking, hardly had a drink, and I've taken up running. I'm still overweight though, but we can't expect miracles ;)
It's paid off, I've officially passed 5 of 6 tests and am awaiting the results of no 6 full of optimism. Tomorrow is my first day back in the hospital, returning as a medical intern for my final test of competence to show that I am ready to receive my medical license. I feel ready. I've never been so motivated, I've never felt this prepared, I've never studied this hard.

But there's a bit of a downside to this as well. I've not seen my friends for three weeks as I've been too busy during the day and too tired at night. I've cancelled all my appointments and have missed my own boyfriend's birthday party, because I had to take a big exam the day after.

While most of my friends understand that I need to focus on my studies, not all of them are equally understanding and there's increased grumbling to be heard. And tensions on the homefront are rising as well. My boyfriend works at a night club 5 nights a week. I'm used to sleeping alone most of the time, but I'm getting increasingly annoyed with his long hours now that I'm not drinking or smoking, and on a completely opposite sleep schedule. I love the man to death, but all the love in the world doesn't negate the tidal wave of irritation that hits me when I'm quietly studying early in the morning and he walks in, still awake from the day before, very chatty, not quite sober, reeking of smoke, booze and cheesy feet. I'm always happy to see him return, but I want him to go to sleep immediately as businesslike morning-me cannot cope with this version of him. It leads to some very tense situations.

We've been on opposing schedules ever since we got together, but now that I'm making some serious changes in my life, there's a shift in the balance of our relationship. It's a balance we know we'll figure out and regain, but it's quite the struggle for now. For example: when is the best time to discuss these issues? When he's just come home and not sober? Or late in the afternoon, when he's just woken up and I've been stewing over things all day. Or in the evening, when he's at his best, but I'm grumpy and sleepy. Tricky things.
Making time to do things together is hard for the same reasons. We've been planning to have a date night for weeks, but since our free days don't overlap and our sleep cycles are opposite we've had to settle for "physically being in the same room" to count as date night. It's frustrating to spend so many hours a day in the same house, yet to feel incredibly alone all the same.

I haven't been the easiest person to live with these last few weeks either. Quitting smoking has had the stereotypical effect on my (normally fairly stable) emotions. At home, I've been very quick to anger, and constantly on the verge of tears over nothing. I get annoyed at inanimate objects. I've been yelling at a baking tray for being in the wrong cupboard. Fun times ;) As an added bonus, the withdrawal has messed up my hormonal balance so much that I've pretty much been PMSing for three weeks. I feel quite sorry for my boyfriend for having to live on an emotional minefield :D

To sum it all up: Some very good things are happening. Some not-so-fun things are happening. I'm still very optimistic about my future, but I'm having a bit of a struggle trying to figure out how to get there while keeping all these balls in the air.

Comments

I'm still rooting for you! Lack of balance did me in during my last attempt at grad school. I think in addition to the massive disappointment of not being able to do anything fun with my husband if I wanted to get my work done - well, basically, all of that lack of balance was hitting my health, my heart, and my mind. BUT.....I do think that for me, I showed up totally burned out to begin with - so I didn't stand a chance. And because I had been burning out for a very long time, something in me just up and rebelled, saying it wouldn't accept the lack of balance, the reduced time/energy for restorative/support type things. Then after I quit, I have spent the last few months totally unbalanced in the other direction, over-doing all of my self-calming type things, now I need to just get myself centered again so that I can work, as I finally have some employment prospects opening up. I am hoping you are able to stay physically and mentally refreshed to handle these challenges without burning out, despite the imbalances that happen during any strenuous program, especially med school. And maybe you'll find a new way to do things so that you can get more out of your relationships even with your crazy study/work schedule. It makes me happy to see someone back at it, even though I myself threw in the towel! For me, the main valuable thing that happened from that experience was finally confronting my problems and realizing that I am 99% likely on the spectrum.
 
Hey, yelling at inanimate objects is preferable to yelling at animate ones! I mean, it's possible the baking tray's being traumatised, but it doesn't tell you how it feels (does it...??), and you're not a mindreader, so... Of course, if it does tell you how it feels, then (a) you should feel very guilty and (b) you now have an exciting new psychiatric condition to explore.

Seriously - if you're still managing to keep it together even with all these sources of stress and conflict, that's a pretty good sign (it seems to me). And you seem to be very self-aware - more than the vast majority of people I've met, including the aspies! When I'm PMSing (yeah, I'm a man, but I go through it roughly every three months, according to every long-term partner I've ever had), one thing that I'm definitely not is self-aware. Self-awareness and motivation make almost anything possible.

I hope you're enjoying interning...
 

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Bolletje
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