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Awkwardness, fatigue and constant irritations

By Raggamuffin · May 11, 2021 ·
  1. Kristy needs lifts this week as her friend who normally provides them has an event they wish to attend next week and don’t want to risk catching COVID. Seems a little paranoid to me, then again, I’m no stranger to worrisome thoughts. It means the next few days I won’t get as much sleep. Kristy is happy to walk, and yet I’m not happy for her to do so (paranoid thoughts). I guess that’s what years of news can do to a worrier – they make me assume that a woman walking on her own at night is in some kind of mortal danger.

    A guy on my Discord server invested in SHIBA INU which is one of the newer meme based cryptocurrencies. I joined in for the first time on this venture. Many months ago, they all invested in Dogecoin and they made hundreds in profit. I read into projections for SHIB and it seems that, as a short term investment it should yield good results. It’s up over 1600% in 7 days and over 150% within 24 hours, last time I checked.

    Lack of sleep really hit me hard today – I feel rough in mind and body. Hopefully I feel a bit better as the day goes on. Knowing I have to pick up Kristy at 11pm means I’ll probably want to go to bed for a few hours beforehand.

    Painting the ceiling was heavy going last night. I expected to get all 3 done in about 2 hours, but it took nearly 2 hours just to do the living room ceiling. I had to use the small roller as the texture of the larger one wasn’t spreading the paint properly. Thankfully the paint is thick, and apart from a few small sections that need a touch up – it only needs one coat. The utility room and bathroom ceilings are tiny, so I can definitely get all the painting finished tonight.

    That means on Wednesday evening I will get some gardening done. Kristy is off on Thursday and Friday so I’ve asked her if she can get friends over to help with the garden. Apparently 1 person can, and they have a van which will be handy for trips to the tip. We need to borrow a lawnmower, and we’ll need some help getting everything cleared. She did some deep cleaning of the bathroom yesterday, and is doing more today. Saturday morning will be quite busy, but then it should be all taken care of.

    There’s some bits around the house that need doing, and I wonder if I should call a handyman to do them. It means more money though, but I want the house looking more presentable. Nothing major though, and my dad is an engineer, so I could probably ask him to walk me through doing it. One is a light switch which won’t screw into the metal surround in the wall. Seems the screw threads are stripped and I’d need to get a new metal surround. The other is a tile that’s come off the utility room floor. I assume I’d need to lay down new grout. The garden fence panels are coming away from the posts in 2 places – that might be a bit more involved. The bricks that hold the latch for the front garden gate have broken off. Literally a whole column made of bricks has sheared clean off. It should just need the old mortar chiselling off and then new mortar put on and put the column back in place.

    Now that I list these things, it doesn’t seem too bad. All I need is a chisel, some grout and a new metal surround for a light switch. Maybe 45 mins tops to get those jobs done. The garden fence might need some outside help. I just want things to look more presentable and those issues are a bit glaringly obvious when you look around the house and garden. Truth be told, I’ve just looked up the bits I’d need and they’re all cheap. Maybe I should just get it done myself. Screw it, why not eh? Whatever I can get done would make me feel better about myself, and with my dad’s guidance, it should be easy enough. I’ll call him tonight.

    Had to take a breather at work. Made 2 mistakes this morning, manager on my case again. Have so much to do that my head is feeling horrid. When I focus and I’m stressed, I feel a tension building behind my forehead and it gets so intense I start to feel ill. We’re having weekly meetings again after many months without them. These begin this Friday, and they always served as a platform for my manager to list all my faults and failures on a weekly basis – so I’m looking forward to that shower of BS.

    I keep telling myself I only have to hold out a few more months. Once the house sells and I’m back at my parents I can leave this job and find a better one. I feel like I’m white knuckle riding this job at the moment. I’m so fed up, angry, frustrated and downtrodden by it all. Them getting a 4th person won’t help. This job is tedious, and monotonous work leads me to make mistakes. I’m at my best when I’m met with fresh and new challenges – they play to my strengths. Doing the same stuff day in day out makes me mental health plummet.

    When my mood is bad, I get so angry when I see people enjoying themselves. It seems so petty and spiteful to resent people having fun. But no friends at work for months, and an unmanageable workload has led to this. Also the daily emails and criticisms from my manager – I don’t know how much longer I can cope with all this. Would 2 weeks signed off due to stress help? Briefly, but I’d come back in 2 weeks to a s**tstorm of work to try and catch up with, and probably a stressed out and annoyed team who wouldn’t appreciate me taking time off.

    With all the recent stress with the move, the plasterer and work – my self care has gone downhill too. Haven’t showered in nearly a month, haven’t eaten right in weeks, back to drinking caffeine, back to eating badly. Feeling like I want to cry or scream every day. I feel like water circling a drain – I am so close to a meltdown, I’m about ready to throw in the towel with this job. But I know I can’t – I know I have to weather another 3-5 months here before I can quit.

    The mix of caffeine, stress and tiredness today is making me feel weird. My head is pulsing and I feel dizzy again. The drive to work had me stuck in 45 minutes of traffic. The dual carriageway had everyone misusing the fast lane to cut in at the roundabout ahead. It infuriates me when people en-masse, drive incorrectly in order to get ahead, which causes massive queues for the people who are driving correctly. One brief moment was pleasant – where I was waiting opposite a field and saw 3 rabbits bounding around playfully. It was a brief moment I realise I probably wouldn’t have noticed had I been driving along the road at my usual speed.

    I sat in my car on lunch after getting my daily cappuccino. I was listening to my audio book and trying to nap. When I opened my eyes, I saw one of my favourite birds – a little wagtail was walking along a grass verge directly in front of me. He walked around and perched on a wooden fence for several minutes. It made me happy that I got to see that. Normally these tiny birds are constantly on the go, and I only get to admire them for a brief moment.

    Whilst I haven’t got as much done as I’d hoped, I think I’ve done quite well since the break up. I’m tired though – I’ve been holding it together all this time, but I’m worried, I’m scared and I am burnt out. I’ve been a human doing, and the human being side of me feels drained and off-kilter.

    Positive – negative. That seems to be how my blog entries alternate. Feels unstable being that way – happy, sad – but in extremes. No moderation.

    It’s about this time of day I get dizzy – because I forget to eat. Today I forgot to put my food in the fridge it seems. Only just found out. So now I have no lunch, and the dizziness is mixed with worry and stress and now it’s worse. I usually eat constantly throughout the day, and lack of food makes me feel ill. No food for another 4 hours. Will I cope? Probably. Do I think I will be ok? Nope.

    I know that autism is viewed as something that shouldn’t be “cured” and yet, often I see advise of copying strategies etc. I’m tired of trying to “cope”. I wish I was more comfortable just being me – but I’m not. The discomfort is what is so draining. The only time I feel comfortable is when I’m at home, but soon that will be gone too. I’ll be back to discomfort whilst trying to adjust. Wanting to settle into a new routine, but I’ll be at a temporary home – a regression back to living with my parents.

    I guess I’m in limbo right now – and it’s disconcerting. I’m in limbo at home, with Kristy, in my job and in life. Structure and routine has been somewhat turned on it’s head.

    I hope I can staff again soon, I miss it. But I don’t want to injure myself by rushing back into it.

    My mood being low has led to spending recently when I don’t have the money. Spending on food. I guess, food is another issue to add to the list along with alcohol, weed, spending, caffeine, gaming, internet and probably others that I can’t recall right now.

    I’m dizzy, I’m aching, I have a mountain of work I can’t focus on and I feel like I want to cry. Then, when I get home, I have another mountain of tasks to do which I probably will half-arse and then feel bad about in the morning.

    This is probably why I'm so angry and envious when I see people having fun. None of this feels fair. Having to "cope" and struggling to do so. Sometimes I just feel like enough is enough. When am I going to get my slice of happiness that actually lasts and isn't a fleeting moment that's surrounded by awkwardness, fatigue and constant irritations.

    Ed

    About Author

    Raggamuffin
    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.

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