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Blog entries by Bernardtisman

Bernardtisman
4 min read
Views
924
General
One day the taxi driver Fred Belly drove his taxi along Bucket Road, Gants Hill to pick up Ben Suitcase, a member of Fruitbowl Day Centre, and take him home. As the taxi left the driver went weird and drove it on the pavement and stopped at a tree to pick up a bird on top to take him to Slop...
Bernardtisman
2 min read
Views
670
General
One day I was having my fish and chips when, “all of a sudden the chips jumped off the plate and flew up to my face inflicting a number of bites. In fact so fierce were the bites that snakes popped out of my face, turning me into a monster. The appearance of a monster with snakes popping out...
Bernardtisman
1 min read
Views
835
Comments
1
General
Every Friday between 7am and 8am the carer came into my flat to collect the laundry, but discovered that I too needed laundering because I was so dirty, so she told me to climb into the laundry basket. She then took me and the clothes together along to the laundry. On arrival at the laundry...
Bernardtisman
2 min read
Views
670
General
One day it was decided that Bernard Tisboy should have a birthday party as his birthday was only a few days away. On the day of Bernie Tisboy's birthday he was invited to his cousin Alan Chine, who lived in Dog Poo Road, Fried Barnet, in the London Borough of Bernie. The block of flats...
Bernardtisman
4 min read
Views
754
General
People wait at the coach stop on the other side of the road. More and more people soon turn up, brought to their pick up point by various taxis and mini cabs. Before long there are 50 people at the coach stop, some as old as 250 years. Soon, a coach turn's up, operated by Swallower...
One day a computer was invaded by a dangerous virus which caused it to burst into flames. The man who planted the deadly computer virus that caused a massive blaze was sent to prison The computer that caught fire from a virus died instantly and had to be buried in a computer graveyard to...
Bernardtisman
1 min read
Views
730
General
Fiddlesticks day Centre is situated in Mintpie Road Ilford. It is a day centre that?s open 24 hours a day. The centre offers computer classes, with 200 computers in a room only five feet wide and a dining room where 500 people have to sit on a table only two feet wide. It?s no wonder people keep...
One day Bernard Doorway bought a piece of black lettuce in TESCO. It had been grown on a farm in Winterset and was due to expire in five minutes time, which meant he had to eat it ever so quick, which caused him to burp, so loud, that it could be heard as far away as America. So loud was the...
Bernardtisman
2 min read
Views
573
General
King Size 1st ruled Britain in the 16th century. He came to power when King Pilchard 5th died. Under King Size's rule going to school at 3.00 in the morning became compulsory; any refusal and you would end up with a lengthy jail sentence, possibly 10 years. At 3.00 every morning the king...
Bernardtisman
1 min read
Views
688
General
This cereal is aimed primarily at schoolchildren, this means that only children can eat it, not adults, for if an adult eats it he could blow up and burst, causing all his innards to shoot right across the room - his heart, lungs, the lot. Children are immune from this body explosion syndrome...
Bernardtisman
1 min read
Views
567
General
One day Ilford town Hall got demolished to make way for a big long bath that was needed for people who washed every 250 years. At the far end stood an enormous man whose job was to throw bathers into the bath. Here are the rules that you need before you use this bath. 1. Every person...
Bernardtisman
1 min read
Views
808
General
This is a special jab that is given to school children to protect them against illnesses caught in school, such as Classroom Flu and Playground Fever. The jab is given once a year. It is given in the school hospital. Classroom Flu is caught from school desks. Whenever a child open's up...
Bernardtisman
3 min read
Views
580
General
Once a gang of school bullies dressed in army uniform took over a boarding school called Bashville in Essex. after the military coup every boy and girl was forced to wash their faces with bees and made to eat books. The bullies' army led by Colonel News were a bunch of dictators. Each...
Bernardtisman
1 min read
Views
643
General
One day a man who was dirty decided that he needed a wash so he found the perfect way to do it: ?Why not try the washing machine?. That?s what he did, he opened the door and climbed into the washing machine and spun round and round ? he laundered himself. To enable him to breathe the man...
Bernardtisman
1 min read
Views
573
General
Once upon a time, at Squirters Lodge Terry Dustcart was taken on a shopping trip by the carer Montana City. The shop chosen was the Rotten Food Store in Rotten Egg Lane, Goodmayes. First on the line were a fresh supply of rotten eggs, next mouldy cabbage, then sick tomatoes. Then there was the...
Bernardtisman
2 min read
Views
532
General
One Tuesday as usual Bernard Ink was busy doing something in his flat when, 'all of a sudden the a voice was read over the intercom. It said: "Dial - a- Ride" Because Tuesday wasn't the day he normally went to Mitzon Day Centre he went berserk screaming, bawling and shouting and banging doors...
Bernardtisman
2 min read
Views
492
General
One day in the middle of the week whilst people were waiting at the bus stop two London buses running up the wrong side of the road suddenly jumped onto the pavement and kicked passers - by up into the air. The mad buses then ran along the pavement and started to chase terrified people...
Bernardtisman
1 min read
Views
566
General
One day a group of people went bowling at The Bighead bowling alley in Ilford. Each person picked up a ball and threw it, but one person did the opposite, he threw himself at the pins at the far end of the lane and found himself being sucked into the conveyer belt that returns the balls to their...
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