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Blog Entries from Voltaic

  1. week two, still on my feet and walking

    this week has been an hard one, but that is not to define how well it went. it went well. all things considering, though there were some bumps, i am still on my feet and being productive. my first slip up is when i was going to go volunteering last tuesday. stress and anxiety built up before it was time to leave. there was enough pressure that i collapsed into a meltdown. out of fear how bad the meltdown could become, i pulled the plug on going, easing my anxiety and bringing me out of a...
  2. Getting better. Week #1 The Starting Line

    i have been through a lot. i can say confidently, all my life i have been struggling. i can also say it started it grade three, with a horrible teacher. the problems were always there, this teacher just made the most of them. since then, grade four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, and multiple unsuccessful years of grade twelve there have always been problems. school life wasn't for me. breakdowns, violent lash outs, and month long episodes of unmotivation, made school a personal...
  3. life

    the worst parts of life, was when family wasn’t doing good. I am OK with myself suffering I’ve gotten used to it. when my suffering contributed to others pain, that made me feel the worst. then, it wasn’t just me being hurt by me anymore. now, everyone in the family is doing good, what is there to complain about? Yes, life might be hard but as long as we are surviving and having good days among the bad. we will make it. A bad day means, a better one in the future. no...
  4. Sympathy ramble

    this is barely coherent, I started with a point, then I gave into chasing ever faster and erratic line of thought. Maybe I will finish what I started out trying to achieve, for now. Just rambles. I am not sympathetic. most times, when people are feeling bad, my basic line of reasoning is to just push through. maybe this line of thought has come from the things I have been this line of thought has come from the things i have been through. Maybe I have been hardened by experiences in life....
  5. man in the mirror

    i look outside. the darkness of night touching only a fraction of the ground. nineteen lights to many take away the natural all consuming power of the dark. i add one more light, sitting here as i write. i look in the mirror. the faint yellow light seeping through the window illuminates half of my face. making only a faint outline of my features visible. the person i see in the mirror is a reflection of mylelfs. a face, concived in darkness. enough detail to know, but not enough to see...
  6. my belife about this world.

    I don't you such punctuation In the title lightly. lately what I see is politics evolving into people screaming at each other nonstop, over what is right and what is wrong. losing sight of what really makes politics tick, talking. not fighting, talking. this is something that is at a loss of me why don't people work effectively with each other? So much is going on in today's society. we are not fully on equipped to deal with this world. all we do is fight each other, we never come...
  7. discharge/ gameplan

    50 minutes. plus or minus a few minutes here or there to account for others being late. Discharge is right around the corner. rightfully, i am anxious. that anxiety mostly based off off a not so great weekend spent at the house. There were problems, but problems can be fixed. this is a leap of a step forward. i can only see so far onto the platform i must land on through this fog, i can only guess what it is going to look like. it won't be stable at first, the platform will lean and wobble...
  8. another not so good day

    I am feeling exact way I felt last night. this is a new feeling. two days in a row, i feel this way. that is not new. what makes this different is i no longer have suicide to tell me that i don't have to feel this way ever again. Now, i feel. Now, i know i will continue to have night after night of feeling this way, with no escape. Life is god damn scary. looking at it in a certain light, life is unending torture. I have looked at life from this extreme, to the positive extreme. Life… i...
  9. A taste of what is yet to come.

    i am not sure what to say. all i know is that I need to say something. the weekend has been taxing. i am relieved it is over, while I sit her in hospital. I fear the implications of this. i feel more at home, in hospital than at home. I enjoy time with strangers more than my own family, because at least they know that they do not know me, but know enough to see that i have my problems that i am dealing with. family is rough. i am struggling to find the ways i can be myself around them,...
  10. funeral day.

    To feel is to be strong. to feel for a great loss, why so wrong? i sit here bored. others, eyes sore cry tears of fear, happinies as uncle soars to feel is right. coffin wheeled out of sight. a great loss, at such a cost with time we wait one day will be ours it is only fate. still loud, even away from the crowd. i write now, and say, from a the refuge of a rocking chair I sway. comprehending, racing thoughts, unending. with pencil, to paper I send. When? When will this end? left to...
  11. Calming down

    I sit here now. In this hard chair before my fingers moved expression, a blank stare Warm tea. racing mind big questions A refuge from my life I am trying to find Through words I type My thoughts into compression ski the bottom of the hill to express is my obsessions I shake either sitting or laying awake my mind is out of control Can't blame it I put the throttle to full is this right? to write? to seek refuge from the fire and light blinding, blinding white My mind Out of control...
  12. The power of self harm.

    One more time. My body hurts, my body tenses as I make what I believed was my last movement to bring me pain... For the moment. I release a big breath as I hurt myself, rejoicing in the pain the movements bring. Despite the fatigue of my body, my mind; chasing the hurt, wants more. "What is the harm? I am already going to feel like poop the next day. What more harm can come with one more?" My body screams in pain as I release all the air in my lungs. So much pain, but I revel...
  13. Acceptance, Self Love, Change

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chat Rambles~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let me give you a tip. Everyone is crazy, society just deems one type of crazy 'socially acceptable' it is not about being the right type of crazy, but confidence in the type of crazy that you are Not everyone is going to like you, even if you are confident. But no one is liked by everyone when they are being themselves. There is truth to the saying, be yourself. Yes, not every personality is equal in likeability, but by not being...
  14. Power

    This is my statement I don't want any of this. None of this at all. I want to doing in the spiral of ants, bit not I fear the pain of following the sheep in front of me in circles until death. I stood on the sidelines, hated by society. Wanted dead by society. Wanted gone be society. Wanted alive by people. Wanted alive by capitalism. Wanted alive for reasons I truly do not know beyond stupidity. I hated them back. I hated society back, and I see all the flaws in their way as I fought them...
  15. Apathy

    Can one reduce himself to not caring in order to not be hurt? Answering this question requires me to use both thought, and real experience. This question comes to me as I desperately try to find something to write about this early morning as I slowly wake up my brain. This question though has some significance to me, as you may have guessed from the specific nature of this question. At first, the question comes to mind as an aspect of mental health, but the more I think about it, there is...
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