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Blog Entries from Raggamuffin

  1. Drawing the short straw

    Emailed the conveyancer as we've heard nothing in a month. I checked our dashboard login and no progress on the milestones had changed since early June. He replied this morning saying we never signed the attached documents. He forwards the email in question and I checked over my inbox - it isn't there. Stress - big time. So I get all the documents signed and ask for his address. It's in the city where I live, so I take an early lunch and drive into the city centre. I call him when I'm...
  2. Smooth Jazz

    Slept better last night. Past few nights I'm getting enough sleep, but feeling tired throughout the day. I did wake up around 01:30 and I was sweating. I'd covered myself in my thick duvet during the night - that was the reason, no doubt about it. But I woke up in a bit of a flustered state, immediately focused on my tooth and then assumed the sweating meant I had an infection - only took a few seconds of being awake to start with the catastrophic thinking. I opened the windows in my bedroom...
  3. Flyin' from a different route

    Dead fledgling in the car park. I saw 3 at work yesterday morning. They were in the shade created by our building. One didn't look right, it was by the front door to our office and didn't notice me until I was less than a meter away. Then it walked away, off balance and couldn't fly. I thought I should have fed it, but I didn't. Went to go for my lunch time walk today and saw a dead fledgling in the car park. And you know what? I blame myself. Could have fed it, should've got water for it....
  4. Bepis

    It's been a week without reading the news. Giving up an old routine often feels troublesome. Feeling out of the loop isn't the best feeling either, but I know it's better for my mental health. Felt really low this morning and it hasn't improved as the day has gone by. At least there's only 45 mins left at work. Very warm today. But the hot weather will end on Wednesday afternoon and it'll be cooler after. Got paintballing this Saturday. Looks like there'll be some rain, but at least it's...
  5. Boys and their toys

    Decided to stop reading the news again. I went without it for a long time - and felt better for it. When COVID began I started reading the news again, thinking it was needed - it wasn't. Bad news, that's all it is. Needless to say, daily exposure to bad news doesn't exactly brighten your outlook. It's articles regarding situations that don't affect me, or the hardships of people I've never known. I struggle to empathise with friends and families problems, let alone reading about a world full...
  6. Psychogenic Pain

    Getting enough sleep the past 2 days is helping me not feel any worse. Rather than starting the day in the office in a bad mood, it's taking longer for my mood to deteriorate. If I lack sleep, my daily physical pains get a lot worse. This week I've had a song stuck in my head all day - literally on repeat for hours and hours. On Monday and Tuesday it was this song: Today it's been this song: Both are a strange mix of feeling euphoric and also rather somber. Slow burn, Future Garage genre...
  7. Save the based till last

    Most days I have my verbal tics. Usually they're long term phrases or words. Either from TV shows, or one's that sounded appealing, then there's the accents and silly voices etc. Today's verbal tic was a new one and little disconcerting. As I went on my lunch time walk through the woods to go staffing I started repeating the phrase "what's the f'ing point?" It doesn't feel that out of the blue, as I'd noticed a low mood was on the rise. Much like these COVID graphs, I find that I never get...
  8. Deep down - we all know

    The take away message from my final therapy session has been a running theme in our recent meetings. Listen more to how you feel, rather than fixating on what you think. Going with my bodily feelings to a situation is usually a clear indicator between what is right and wrong for me. I often get so caught up in the narrative of my thoughts, that taking a step back to listen to how my body feels becomes a rarity - and yet, I know how profound and helpful it is. So often in life I have...
  9. What's it worth to me?

    Back at work today after my 5 day weekend. Went out for dinner on Thursday night with Kristy, which was nice - we chatted a lot, although my food wasn't great - tasted like a microwave meal (which it probably was). On my birthday on Monday we went out for lunch at a very old English pub in a small hamlet dating back to the Saxon era. My nan lived there for many years, and as a child we used to visit her on Saturdays. The pub is one (of several) that claim to be the oldest in the country...
  10. My Tinder Review

    One week on a dating app and it looks like it has me wishing for the end of humanity. A 500 character limit is confining - I keep rewriting it. Yet I see so many profiles that have no text at all, but always plenty of pictures. This obsession with the self is unnerving - and yet, I too am lost in my own world, or behind a screen. Funny isn't it - how big the world and the universe is, and yet those screens have us transfixed. So many photographs filtered - as if a photograph weren't...
  11. Think I'm Just Happy

    I’m all caught up at work. Something I’ve been pushing to get to for a very long time. Now that I’m here I feel bored. I’ve done what I need to do, and now it’s a waiting game for work to come in so that I can actually get things done. This morning I got to work early as usual. After I'd had my cereal I didn't settle down to my usual routine of doing 60-90 mins of unpaid overtime. Instead I decided to go staffing. The hot weather has ended – now we have rain and thick clouds and cooler...
  12. Das Blog

    Monday - a stressful day at work - but me and Kristy had Dominoes for dinner. The smoke I had that evening felt like the sensation disipated rapidly. Saw a dead fledgling seagull in the place where I'm staffing at the moment. It's location confused me more than anything, as it was far from any of the roofs where they're nesting. I can only assume one of the local red kites from the nearby woods managed to swoop down and get it, but possibly lost it's grip. Whenever they circle overhead, the...
  13. Improvements in various areas

    I haven't felt the urge to write a blog in quite some time, mainly because I’ve been feeling more content in myself recently. I'd noticed that my blogs had served as a place to vent. Even though this can be a good release on occasion; it was developing into something unhelpful in my opinion. A regular blog felt like it was enabling a form of wallowing in my own self-pity and dedicating too much time to voicing negative thoughts and reactions. I'm spending a lot less time on this site. I...
  14. Paintball, seagulls and a Discord ranter

    I went paintballing on the weekend with a friend. It was a good time, and I did quite well on several games. The weather was very warm, and during the break between my first and second game I was a little worried if my body could go the distance. During the games your heart is racing and at times it felt like I could easily let the sensations spill into panic. Thankfully I didn't, and I enjoyed it for what it was - a good time. The day after I could barely walk - all the sprinting up and...
  15. 3%

    I got a 3% pay rise today. It made me happy as it was one of 2 things that were making me debate how long I'd stay here. The other factor is them getting a 4th person. It's been highlighted numerous times this year, and my manager is still in discussions with the director about it. One of the managers came in today. He's not in the office much any more due to COVID, but he was in today. He just had a 10 minute chat with me and seemed genuinely interested in how I've been doing. After he'd...
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