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Blog Entries from Moonhart44

  1. Day 15: a new day

    today so far is good. it is not a disappointment. All my fears so far have not happened. It's my birthday. Nobody forgot. I decided to communicate this problem with my bf because i felt lke i was setting him up for failure. he seemed to remember my birthday but didnt get me anything yet at the time, but i am also a procrastinator when it comes to gifts. i got a few gift cards, so i will be able to do my hair again. My pets are also being very cute and loving today. I hope work is okay....
  2. Day 14

    I am not sure what the point of writing is. Even on good days after writing things it makes me realize my sadness more, and often time I collapse, or relapse, or whatever it's called back into the spiral. The more I talk about things, the more pointless it seems, because it's just complaining if there is no solution.
  3. Day 13: A late night entry

    I sit at work. I had a cancellation, but still made money. This is good. I wrote a paper for class and turned in my responses. I thought it was funny that in one response, a student put immolate instead of emulate. immolate means to burn at the stake apparently. I am realizing, I am still learning about myself. There is so much about me that is good that I don't know about yet. I have to keep persevering. I am always focused on how I'm hurt, and on here, I write about that a lot, but...
  4. Day 12: meh prose but make it bad poetry

    I awaken to a call from my brother. He incoherently speaks of our mother: "Mother's sister of father!" I wonder why I bothered. I hang up, but the pain isn't over. _______________________ I wake up again No tears fall. I must distract Before it begins ___________________ My name is Eris I undo by way of strife My name is Eros I undo by way of love My name Hedone and I undo by way of pleasure My name is Athena and I undo by way of strategy My name is Coeus and I undo by way of wisdom My...
  5. Day 11: another day of confusion

    I went to bed early so it compensated for my cat SCREAMING for pets. I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept worrying if my bf would forget about my birthday. I am very confident that he has. I am worried about reminding him. I dont want to. He forgot to do anything for our anniversary in May. I say "forget to do anything" instead "forgot wholly our anniversary" because if you talk to him, he will deny it. he doesn't like to take blame, but who does in the face of accusation? If he forgets it,...
  6. Day 10: today is better

    I feel better today. I have this weird spiraling pattern. once my work weekend comes (mon and tues), and i have time to be alone, i feel much better. but today i have to go to work again. i went to visit my old location. i dont like visiting them. i feel like i dont belong. i feel like some people there who greet me are being sideways, meaning they act friendly, but they are the reason i am in my situation. so i hate talking to them. One said to me my work is getting better. I feel these...
  7. Day 9: Some spiraling

    Recently i have told a couple people i am depressed, and they were very shocked. this confuses me. i dont feel that i have been an outwardly "happy" person, especially because people accuse me from looking sad to looking like i shoot dope up my arm. Anyways I woke up crying. I am worried I am not strong enough for this life. I am realizing all the effort I put in educating myself, learnign new skills, exposing myself to new subjects of interest for the same of appearing more valuable as a...
  8. Day 8: Am I a Villain

    I feel this way. I feel like i am constantly fighting this urge to not be evil. My urges are more along the lines of taking advantage of weaker people, or wanting to project constantly because i am anxious and depressed. I think about how I used to view people with autism. Even back then, I thought even deeper, "what if i hate these people because i relate to them?" (little did i know i was just hating myself). I still have this feeling that this is why i am evil (my autism). I think an...
  9. Day 7: I went to the gym

    I havent gone to the gym since before lockdown. I decided to go back because i notice i am getting too skinny. i dont like to talk about that because people wrinkle their nose on it, like its not a problem. Recently i've been feeling confused. in my journey of solitude, I am worried that I am still depressed. I am worried I am moving on from crying to numbness. I am worried about projection or sublimination. I feel like everyone is against me. or that i'm always having to prove myself,...
  10. Day 6: Today was harder

    I didnt get good sleep. I have racing thoughts and i'm always wondering if its time to wake up at around 7 am. my pets were being rambunctious today however. i felt very frustrated today. small things were not going my way. im not sure it is because i'm depressed, or i had a melt down, but i broke down in tears. I was worried i would have to smoke to escape, but did yoga, and i am happy i didnt have to. i am happy i didnt quit in the middle or after 10 minutes either. im kinda sad...
  11. Day 5: I was wondering where this post went

    I got frustrated that i lost my entry and didnt make anew one. but here it is: I did not sleep good. One thing that makes me more depressed than my personal life woes is my job woes. i feel super underappreciated, but what's worse is that, i feel that its justified. I have been in my industry for 7 years, practicing for 6, and people still undermine me. i think, how am i supposed to feel worth something, if everyone around me is saying i am trash? i think about this in regards to the males...
  12. Day 4: I been sleeping more

    i think one of my problems in the past was me not sleepin enough. I have been working hard to fix that. i have put my screens on all yellow light before going to bed, reading before going to bed. i think this is helping my mood a lot. i cant stay up because my cat always wakes me up at 7am. the only thing i wish i could do is block the window so no light comes in. yesterday i also didnt need to smoke to go to sleep. that was good. i had a dream that i was a werewolf and i intimiated a...
  13. Day 3: Things kinda feel different

    I am thankful that this week is less stressful. for a few months, i've been in this depressive episode. i think i am still there but i feel i am near a silver lining. Right now I feel positive about myself in that I am beginning to believe i am worth something. the problem i really do have is that i am afraid i dont really believe that. I write that because I am back with my bf, and I am sure that has something to do with my self-worth. I don't like that. My ex now bf basically admitted to...
  14. Day 2: My hobbies

    Today I feel less nervous. I feel less nervous because i am not waiting on someone anymore. in a way it's freeing. but everyday is scary, in the sense that i dont know what will set me off into a depressive moment. (i accidentally posted this too early) Today I'm going to talk about my hobbies. I feel i am a creative person. i like to work with my hands, but not like the sense of a mechanic, although i do respect that skill. it is very attractive to see someone know how to fix things. I...
  15. Day 1: Three Good Things About Me

    I am a youngish woman. I have struggled with friendship my entire life, and that is not a hyperbole. Right now, I am very alone. I moved from my home town almost two years ago, and have failed to make friends, failed to maintain my romantic relationship, and even failing at my job. It feels like there is nothing to look forward to nowadays, because no one cares about me, or at least that is what the voices in my head tell me repeatedly. Here I, today, I will write a few reasons why i AM...
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