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Blog Entries from Bolletje

  1. Socializing with coworkers

    Some days, being on the spectrum hurts. Sometimes weeks go by without me thinking about being on the spectrum, those are good weeks. And then I find myself in a situation where I can't deny being different. During a lunch break with my coworkers, spending the entire break in awkward silence, waiting for an opportunity to join in the conversation. Somehow it seems most of the conversations are about people I don't know, parties I wasn't at, jokes I'm not in on. Some days I skip lunch...
  2. Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?

    I'm anxious today. My short holiday is coming to an end, and tomorrow marks the day I'll be starting my final internship before graduating med school. I've been very excited about this, but ever so insidiously, The Fear started creeping in over the past few days. Maybe it's because I've been inside the house for too long. Maybe it's because I got ridiculously drunk last week. Maybe it's because I'm still not sure whether I should disclose my Aspergers to my colleagues. Whatever the reason,...
  3. Success and struggles

    It's been a while since my last post. All has been well on the studying front, but life has been hard as well. I've made it through my internship. I spent eleven consecutive weeks in med school without calling in sick once. I got good grades, great reviews, my mentor told me he'd love to help me apply for a job at his department and, last but not least, I loved being back at the hospital. But (and it's a big BUT) it's not all kittens and rainbows. As mentioned in my earlier posts, my...
  4. Pondering life, death and emotions.

    I've been working in the hospital for three weeks now, and it's almost as if I never left. I watched a man die last week. I pronounced him dead, expressed my sympathies to his loved ones, returned to my office and pondered death over a cup of coffee. Then I proceeded to grumble over how inconvenient this man's death was for me. We all knew he was going to die, but his timing was the worst. He was supposed to go home that night, so he could die in his own bed, surrounded by his loved ones. I...
  5. Balance is a tricksy hobbit.

    I've made it through my first month back in med school. It's been quite the month. In january I was sitting at home, overweight, chainsmoking, binge drinking and worrying about the future. These last four weeks I've spent twelve hours a day studying, I've stopped smoking, hardly had a drink, and I've taken up running. I'm still overweight though, but we can't expect miracles ;) It's paid off, I've officially passed 5 of 6 tests and am awaiting the results of no 6 full of optimism. Tomorrow...
  6. Onwards!

    Another week has gone by, and it has gone by well. I got the results of my Super Important Test back, and I passed. So that's awesome :D I'm really looking forward to going back into the hospital to treat patients. Only two weeks from now! But first I have some more lectures to attend and tests to pass. As my next test gets closer, my schedule gets more and more packed and my stress levels increase. So far, it's a healthy dose of stress that allows me to thrive. I decided to quit smoking...
  7. I survived my first week!

    Well, the title pretty much says it all. I made it through my first week back in med school without any major problems. I attended all the classes, did all my assignments, found out most of my knowledge was just dormant instead of gone. My major thought this week was: Why was this so hard for me the first time around? Five years ago I never made it through the week without skipping at least one class. I constantly felt overwhelmed, couldn't stomach being around my fellow students, felt...
  8. Ghosts of failures past

    So, yesterday I rebooted my medical career with a huge intimidating test. I left home way too early, so I had to stand outside the building in the freezing cold for 15 minutes because the doors weren't open yet. I knew no-one and as more people entered the stress and noise were getting to me. I felt a panic attack coming on, but did my breathing exercises and waited. It turned out that, through no fault of mine, I hadn't been registered for the test, so I had to fix that on the spot. More...
  9. First day back at uni

    I found my first gray hair today. I'm turning 31 in a few days. And today's the day I'm going back to university. After dropping out due to depression for the umpteenth time two years ago, I never thought this day would come, yet here it is. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. I had a fitful night full of weird dreams (including Optimus Prime, who apparently has a personal vendetta against me, turning into a cab and driving me far far away from my university building instead of...
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