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Blog Entries from Bolletje

  1. A touch of psychosis and another diagnosis.

    In keeping with the December theme, I figured I'd go with a rhyming title ;) Time for another update! Since my last update, my recovery from depression was going rather well. I wasn't depressed anymore, feeling better and less bleak, although I still didn't really feel like myself yet. And because life is full of little surprises, a month ago I experienced a brief psychotic break out of the blue. It was frightening, because I was very much aware that something was wrong with me, and I wanted...
  2. A change of scenery. Also, depression.

    Apologies all around, it has been forever since I posted last. A lot has happened in the last few months, which made me a little lax on the updates. When I last wrote, I had called in sick from my job because I couldn't cope with the ridiculous hours and bad working conditions. I took two weeks off to get some breathing room, then went back to work. This lasted for one day, after which I realized I just couldn't do it anymore. It was a hard decision because I loved my work, my patients and...
  3. Hitting a wall

    It’s been a while since my last update. I’ve been working really hard (surprise!). Too hard, really. Because of the flu season, a few of my coworkers were sick. Since we’re understaffed already, I ended up covering for two coworkers. Which means thrice the normal amount of patients (and paperwork). I managed, for some time. But then renovations on my ward started. Which means constant noise from construction work, and some nitwit in management decided it was a good idea to close our office...
  4. Exhausted and proud: part two

    So, part two of my post. A few hours ago, I got home after working my first series of night shifts. 7 nights in a row, just me and a surgical intern to keep the hospital running between midnight and 8 AM. It's been terrifying, exciting, humbling and incredibly invigorating all at once. But mostly exhausting. In the last few months I was happy to have finally settled into a regular sleep cycle, but that all went overboard last week. Sleeping during the daytime just doesn't work for me, so I...
  5. Exhausted and proud: part one.

    Delivered as promised: a new update! It's written in two parts. One written 10 days ago before my night shifts, one written today after working the graveyard shift 7 nights in a row. Part two should follow later today. I've been adjusting really well at the hospital. Before my night shifts, I worked on the same ward for a few weeks and really felt at home. I liked the staff, liked the patients, worked my ass off and felt happy for it. On my last day on that ward, the late shift nurses...
  6. I am exhausted.

    As promised, another update, just a little later than I had planned. I've been working as a doctor for nearly two months now, and I love my job. I honestly couldn't imagine anything more fulfilling, at the end of the day. But it is draining as hell. Ask any honest doctor about their first few months of practicing, and they'll vividly recall being terrified, exhausted, and devoid of any social life. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I haven't hung out with any of my friends in well...
  7. A coming out of sorts.

    It's been a few weeks since I officially received my medical license and swore the Hippocratic oath. At our graduation ceremony, we were each asked to prepare a short speech detailing something about our time as a med student that stood out for us personally. I don't do well with preparing speeches, I prefer to be spontaneous. But in the days leading up to my ceremony I spent a lot of time wondering. Would it be appropriate for me to mention my depression? Am I going to mention being on the...
  8. Job Interview part 2: Multipotentialites

    In the wake of my job interview last week, I've made some discoveries and had some revelations. At the time of my last blog post I was feeling self-conscious. Skipping to the end: I got over that, due to some accidental vigorous soul-searching. I spent some time thinking about how, to other people, my interests might seem all over the place. They probably are. Or scratch that, they definitely are. And I am incredibly okay with that. One of the most exciting things about life, to me, is...
  9. How to stay sane after a job interview

    After some silence, it's time for another blog entry! This time, my title is full of clickbait. Because (I'll let you all in on a little secret here) this is not actually an entry about effective ways to maintain your sanity. No, this is just pure clickbait... Or, you know, a bad joke. Either way, if you are looking for a list of super useful tips, this is not it. If you're looking to have a giggle at my expense, you're in the right place. I've already secured a job as a doctor some time...
  10. Trust me, I'm a doctor (Blog name change imminent)

    Not the Doctor, but a doctor for sure. Which is to say, I've succesfully made it to the finish line, I am no longer a student, I will be receiving my medical license soon and I've been hired by a local hospital, where I'll be starting my first real job as a doctor pretty soon. My last entries have been few and far between, as I took a little break from online life to focus on that last stretch. But now, I'm done. I passed with great grades, and one of my best compliments throughout these...
  11. Pondering life, death and emotions.

    I've been working in the hospital for three weeks now, and it's almost as if I never left. I watched a man die last week. I pronounced him dead, expressed my sympathies to his loved ones, returned to my office and pondered death over a cup of coffee. Then I proceeded to grumble over how inconvenient this man's death was for me. We all knew he was going to die, but his timing was the worst. He was supposed to go home that night, so he could die in his own bed, surrounded by his loved ones. I...
  12. Being me is exhausting sometimes.

    Time for another update! I'm nearing the end of this internship, and nearing the end of my time as a student. This fall, I'll have my medical license. I can't wait for the moment I finally get to call myself a doctor. Things are looking up, I'm getting great performance reviews and I get tons of compliments on my knowledge and work ethos. So why am I not happy? Because Someone said Something. I told the head of the department how much I love working here, and how much I'd love to stay. I...
  13. Socializing with coworkers

    Some days, being on the spectrum hurts. Sometimes weeks go by without me thinking about being on the spectrum, those are good weeks. And then I find myself in a situation where I can't deny being different. During a lunch break with my coworkers, spending the entire break in awkward silence, waiting for an opportunity to join in the conversation. Somehow it seems most of the conversations are about people I don't know, parties I wasn't at, jokes I'm not in on. Some days I skip lunch...
  14. Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?

    I'm anxious today. My short holiday is coming to an end, and tomorrow marks the day I'll be starting my final internship before graduating med school. I've been very excited about this, but ever so insidiously, The Fear started creeping in over the past few days. Maybe it's because I've been inside the house for too long. Maybe it's because I got ridiculously drunk last week. Maybe it's because I'm still not sure whether I should disclose my Aspergers to my colleagues. Whatever the reason,...
  15. Success and struggles

    It's been a while since my last post. All has been well on the studying front, but life has been hard as well. I've made it through my internship. I spent eleven consecutive weeks in med school without calling in sick once. I got good grades, great reviews, my mentor told me he'd love to help me apply for a job at his department and, last but not least, I loved being back at the hospital. But (and it's a big BUT) it's not all kittens and rainbows. As mentioned in my earlier posts, my...
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