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Blog Entries from Bolletje

  1. Depression and acceptance

    Hello blog, it's been a while. Last time I posted an update I had just gone through a mini-psychotic break and I had just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Today I will be ranting a little, rather than posting clever and/or insightful and/or funny things. No grand things have happened to me in the meantime, but sometimes small things are important too. I'm slowly returning to work, with ample time off to work on my mental health. My boss is nice like that, for which I am grateful. I've...
  2. A touch of psychosis and another diagnosis.

    In keeping with the December theme, I figured I'd go with a rhyming title ;) Time for another update! Since my last update, my recovery from depression was going rather well. I wasn't depressed anymore, feeling better and less bleak, although I still didn't really feel like myself yet. And because life is full of little surprises, a month ago I experienced a brief psychotic break out of the blue. It was frightening, because I was very much aware that something was wrong with me, and I wanted...
  3. A glimmer of hope.

    It's been a month since my last update, which was rather bleak. A lot has happened in the mean time. For one, I started seeing a psychiatric nurse and a psychologist at my local health care crisis center. Usually wait lists are up to 8 months here, but I had the mixed blessing of being so acutely suicidal that I applied for an emergency referral, which means I had to get an appointment within a week. Which I did. Since I was so zombified from antidepressants, I was switched to...
  4. A change of scenery. Also, depression.

    Apologies all around, it has been forever since I posted last. A lot has happened in the last few months, which made me a little lax on the updates. When I last wrote, I had called in sick from my job because I couldn't cope with the ridiculous hours and bad working conditions. I took two weeks off to get some breathing room, then went back to work. This lasted for one day, after which I realized I just couldn't do it anymore. It was a hard decision because I loved my work, my patients and...
  5. Hitting a wall

    It’s been a while since my last update. I’ve been working really hard (surprise!). Too hard, really. Because of the flu season, a few of my coworkers were sick. Since we’re understaffed already, I ended up covering for two coworkers. Which means thrice the normal amount of patients (and paperwork). I managed, for some time. But then renovations on my ward started. Which means constant noise from construction work, and some nitwit in management decided it was a good idea to close our office...
  6. Exhausted and proud: part two

    So, part two of my post. A few hours ago, I got home after working my first series of night shifts. 7 nights in a row, just me and a surgical intern to keep the hospital running between midnight and 8 AM. It's been terrifying, exciting, humbling and incredibly invigorating all at once. But mostly exhausting. In the last few months I was happy to have finally settled into a regular sleep cycle, but that all went overboard last week. Sleeping during the daytime just doesn't work for me, so I...
  7. Exhausted and proud: part one.

    Delivered as promised: a new update! It's written in two parts. One written 10 days ago before my night shifts, one written today after working the graveyard shift 7 nights in a row. Part two should follow later today. I've been adjusting really well at the hospital. Before my night shifts, I worked on the same ward for a few weeks and really felt at home. I liked the staff, liked the patients, worked my ass off and felt happy for it. On my last day on that ward, the late shift nurses...
  8. I am exhausted.

    As promised, another update, just a little later than I had planned. I've been working as a doctor for nearly two months now, and I love my job. I honestly couldn't imagine anything more fulfilling, at the end of the day. But it is draining as hell. Ask any honest doctor about their first few months of practicing, and they'll vividly recall being terrified, exhausted, and devoid of any social life. That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I haven't hung out with any of my friends in well...
  9. A coming out of sorts.

    It's been a few weeks since I officially received my medical license and swore the Hippocratic oath. At our graduation ceremony, we were each asked to prepare a short speech detailing something about our time as a med student that stood out for us personally. I don't do well with preparing speeches, I prefer to be spontaneous. But in the days leading up to my ceremony I spent a lot of time wondering. Would it be appropriate for me to mention my depression? Am I going to mention being on the...
  10. Job Interview part 2: Multipotentialites

    In the wake of my job interview last week, I've made some discoveries and had some revelations. At the time of my last blog post I was feeling self-conscious. Skipping to the end: I got over that, due to some accidental vigorous soul-searching. I spent some time thinking about how, to other people, my interests might seem all over the place. They probably are. Or scratch that, they definitely are. And I am incredibly okay with that. One of the most exciting things about life, to me, is...
  11. How to stay sane after a job interview

    After some silence, it's time for another blog entry! This time, my title is full of clickbait. Because (I'll let you all in on a little secret here) this is not actually an entry about effective ways to maintain your sanity. No, this is just pure clickbait... Or, you know, a bad joke. Either way, if you are looking for a list of super useful tips, this is not it. If you're looking to have a giggle at my expense, you're in the right place. I've already secured a job as a doctor some time...
  12. Trust me, I'm a doctor (Blog name change imminent)

    Not the Doctor, but a doctor for sure. Which is to say, I've succesfully made it to the finish line, I am no longer a student, I will be receiving my medical license soon and I've been hired by a local hospital, where I'll be starting my first real job as a doctor pretty soon. My last entries have been few and far between, as I took a little break from online life to focus on that last stretch. But now, I'm done. I passed with great grades, and one of my best compliments throughout these...
  13. I'm a bad, bad blogger.

    So, it's been a while since I lasted posted, and this won't be the longest post either. Just a little update to share that I'm still hanging in there, I'm doing good, and I'll be a doctor in a few weeks. I've just taken a bit of a break from the forums, partially because the name change has upset me more than I care to admit, but mostly because I need to focus on my studies, my relationship, my friendships and my own sanity. It's a tough balancing act, but I'm managing. For now I'm choosing...
  14. Being me is exhausting sometimes.

    Time for another update! I'm nearing the end of this internship, and nearing the end of my time as a student. This fall, I'll have my medical license. I can't wait for the moment I finally get to call myself a doctor. Things are looking up, I'm getting great performance reviews and I get tons of compliments on my knowledge and work ethos. So why am I not happy? Because Someone said Something. I told the head of the department how much I love working here, and how much I'd love to stay. I...
  15. Unexpected little nuggets of wisdom

    People have a habit of giving advice when you really didn't ask them for it. Most of the times it's pretty redundant or even patronizing advice, but this was different. I worked a late shift together with someone I hadn't spoken to before. It was just the two of us in the office. Because it was a slow night, we had some time to chat, and when I told her about my hopes for a future in this workplace she told me this: "You're pretty quiet. In this society, where everyone always talks even if...
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