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Blog Entries from AprilR

  1. Rambling

    I always push myself too far/endure too much before i realize yes, i am really feeling depressed and crippled with anxiety. I need my therapist right now. I don't feel okay. I am so scared of life sometimes even my fear of physical pain goes away. How am i going to live in this world when my parents die? How am i supposed to deal with all these feelings alone i don't know. But part of me still prefers this hell to physical pain.
  2. My plans

    I want to meet up with my autistic friend again and get involved with the autism organizations here. But i can't do it with my parents knowing. I guess i will have to do it without telling them or after they die. I hope my life would be a full and meaningful one if i do that. I don't know what other thing i can do if i can't do it. When i am dying i wish i could smile and feel like i am going home to a much better place. Where i can make the person i love happy and live with that feeling...
  3. Negative

    What i am about to say might be really mean and negative but i genuinely feel like this now so: I wish i never met either of you. I wish i never became friends with you, i wish you both stayed as colleagues. I never want to see either of you again. The fact that these people have all this luck in the world and me who have always devoted herself to her studies have little to no experience due to my issues with ocd, autism, anxiety and depression is really making me hate this world. I know...
  4. Bad day without reason

    Having a bad day where i feel worthless and tired. Not feeling much anything, it doesn't have any reason. It feels like coming home though,it even makes me nostalgic over my childhood. Makes me feel authentic. People who always talk about possibilities, relationships and stuff might as well live in another world. This world is one of limitations, Limited resources, Limited knowledge, Limited understanding and Limited empathy. If there is another world maybe we are channeling the love over...
  5. Incoherent Rambling 2

    I am so scared to drive alone without my parents. I don't know the roads well even the ones near my home. I somehow never noticed which road goes which direction. Honestly even neurotypical people have so much trouble navigating traffic here. It's horrible. Even when i work it seems i will have to use public transport. There are so many problems wth me working in general now it seems impossible. I am 30 and i have only 1 year of experience. I don't even know if i could have done better in...
  6. Negative

    It feels like my parents pity me for having faith in our legal system and generally being a naive and dumb person easily gullible. I guess from their perspective i am dumb. Good thing i don't see the world from their eyes. Otherwise i would have committed suicide already. Even if i am not able to work and be a lawyer i have to live my life believing in certain ideals. I have to live believing there is a value to being positive and trying hard to make a change. It is all i can do. If they...
  7. Positive rambling

    I never thought i could become the person i want to be, but here i am liking and appreciating myself. When i was a child i felt like i was a plant in a desert trying to survive, needing rain but never getting it. I felt helpless and trapped. I felt like i knew all about the world already, and that i was a person dirty inside and out, a bad mannered, naturally evil person. I hated myself and felt disgusted by myself, but i received things i never dared to hope for. I was protected from so...
  8. From Kafka on the Shore

    Never finished it but i really liked that part: "Nakata let his body relax, switched off his mind, allowing things to flow through him. This was natural for him, something he'd done ever since he was a child, without a second thought. Before long the borders of his consciousness fluttered around, just like the butterflies. Beyond these borders lay a dark abyss. Occasionally his consciousness would fly over the border and hover over that dizzying, black crevass. But Nakata wasn't afraid of...
  9. To tell my psych.

    I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my only friend but i dont want to lose the person in my heart either. I still love him want to be with him after i die. But i don't want to hurt her. I want to make both of them happy. And i know i am not able to be in a relationship with him. Even if we met again i know i am not good with relationships, if we somehow break up i wouldn't be able to go on with my life. I am fighting hard to live everyday, he is giving me strength but now even...
  10. Rambling

    I only fell in love once, and i wish to be in love with him forever. I feel like my soul was saved by loving him. That i was given so much happiness i would be able to go on living no matter how many bad things happen. Sometimes i watch a drama that reminds me of this love and i cry for a long time. The time i spent with him were the best days of my life.
  11. Incoherent Rambling

    So i recently started a new chinese drama about an eccentric chinese opera performer and a wealthy businessman who becomes his supporter and his best friend/soulmate ahahah. I really love it a lot so far and it made me recognize a pattern in the fictional works i consume and love: Two characters whose lives are completely devoted to a form of art and their lives and relationship becomes intertwined with it. This can be music, dancing, ballet, anything really. Just the passion and the...
  12. I hate my job

    Well i actually don't but i hate being a office lawyer and earning slightly higher than minimum wage after working my ass off all my life. I want to earn more. I don't want to depend on my parents for everything. My parents were still paying my bills even when i was working because there was no way i would have been able to survive on my own in my own house. If you don't start your own business (if you are not a super socially able and charismatic nt who is also capable enough to start their...
  13. Fear of being abandoned

    I am scared of being abandoned. I know someday my parents will die and i will be alone. I know life will have no meaning after they die and hope to die soon after them. I don't know how i will manage my property and i am scared i will be left penniless and in the streets. I don't want such a life, i hope i don't have to endure it much.
  14. Tea party no 2

    Or should i say wine party ahahah. I feel strong and capable. I can't wait to get a job. I feel like i don't even have to pretend this time to be taken seriously since my legal knowledge is increasing.
  15. ~The Grand Opening~

    Watch this become a Tgcf blog soon and me gushing over hualian as usual Well since i had a break i have only been studying legal texts for about.. 2 weeks? I am really not sure I'll have to get back to my fandom activities soon! A good news is i have succesfully dissociated myself from her. February last year seems like a joke now but what's new about that? It's really reassuring that life goes on and makes everything insignificant.