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and so it begins...

  1. i knew i had some issues, a general lack of social skills. people just drain me. it didn't occur to me that i might be autistic, but i hadn't given it much thought until recently. since it was mentioned to me i have read about it a lot, and i imagine it's asperger 's or high-functioning autism that i will be looking at. i don't know which one is me. i'm not sure what age i started speaking. i have no desire to talk to my mum and my dad is in australia. am i clumsy? do i have many interests? or a few specific ones? can i empathise? visual/spatial ability? does change bother me?

    it just seems like i cannot properly process the real world. i always feel weird, like i'm dreaming. i know i'm not actually dreaming, but i always have this spaced-out feeling that is quite trippy and surreal, especially when i have to go outside. but whenever i have to go outside it's like i just feel weirder and weirder. it's impossible to explain. and then i feel like i want to wrap myself in a big heavy blanket and just curl into a ball under my bed (my bed has drawers in it so i can't actually do it), or in a closet or something and just completely blackout everything. i have these black oakley sunglasses with black lenses that i wear even when it's not even sunny. it's got nothing at all to do with fashion, i feel naked and exposed without them. i never look people in the eyes, so it helps with that. those times when i do or i have to for some reason, like at medical appointments, it's just horrifyingly intense. it's like in a computer game when your character hits something that drains their life bar and they get stunned, as soon as i look into someones eyes it's like danger danger and i feel myself being wasted like they're sucking the life out of me. there's too much information there and my brain can't deal with it.

    it's the same with music, nothing to do with what the lyrics are saying, it's just the melody. if i feel a song has a really emotionally resonant melody i can just burst into tears and freak out. it just shatters me. i get a complete overload of emotion and it scares me to death, just fills me with overwhelming feelings that i can't handle. that song teardrop by massive attack can send me catatonic. it makes me shiver to even mention it.

    it's the way my brain filters and interprets reality. it's like a sensory overload. it's not always enough to be completely debilitating, but it's just far enough above baseline that it drains my batteries, or my coping mechanisms, or something. this is getting a bit long so i'll stop here. since i started typing on a keyboard i always used lowercase because i don't like the capital letters at the beginning of sentences because it seems unbalanced. i hate the look of it, it's like the capital letters are screaming at me to be lowercase like all the the others.

    i like dr walter bishop from fringe. he's my favourite character.
    Joshua Aaron likes this.


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