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Allowing myself to feel sadness

I was a bad mom last night and this morning. My fuse was very short and I got exasperated at the most menial things. They’re kids, for crying out loud, what’s wrong with me?

I know what’s wrong. I saw the ex yesterday, after weeks of not seeing him, and he didn’t even turn the his head to acknowledge I was there. I, of course, thought: ‘it’s better like this. The only bad thing is that the kids realize what’s going on and it makes them feel uncertain, they feel unsafe’.

Wrong. This morning I realized that it affected me deeply. The change of paradigm from “he’s a responsible good father and a civilized ex” to “he’s a jerk that sees me as his enemy and doesn’t realize (or doesn’t want to realize) that every time he hurts me, he actually hurts his own kids, and I have to be in war mode to protect me and the kids” has not sank in my soul yet.

It’s just so unbelievable: 15 years of marriage, 18 of relationship, countless sacrifices on my part, ****, we lived together in 8 cities in 6 countries!! But for him I’m nothing and he used to be my world, the one thing that remained unchanged (except for my kids).

I hate him. Or not. I don’t know. I’m sad. I’m just so sad.

I usually think that it’s better to feel rage than sadness, but that’s only if that’s the real feeling, and if we are aware of it. For example, if I have been taken advantage of, it’s better to feel rage towards the person that took advantage of me, than sadness towards myself, which is the same aggressiveness, but turned towards me, instead of towards the other person.

But if we feel sad, legitimately sad, it’s better to give ourselves permission to feel it. If we don’t, we unconsciously mask it with rage towards other people, and in the case of moms, not allowing ourselves to feel sad is particularly dangerous because the people we end up being unfairly mad at, it’s our own kids.

So today I am allowing myself to cry and feel sad. I do it for me, but most of all, I do it for my kids. They deserve a better mom.


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