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ADHD medication part iii

No water this morning, checked the local water website then decided to drive to March to pick up two 5 litre bottles of water. Got petrol and then took the car to the car wash. Popped by a local supermarket on the way home to pick up some bits to make a salad later.

Ate healthier today - bananas, grapes, plenty of water, a salad with lots of different veg in it. I did have a pastry and chocolate bar, but I know I can't go 100% health eating without some sort of balance with vice foods.

Got 3 bookings for a local town's craft fairs: Sun 2nd Oct, Sun 6th Nov and Sun 4th Dec. This will have much better foot traffic than my first craft fair I attended.

Drove to Aldreth and walked down the path towards the river. The first part of the path is lined with trees and has the illusion of being in woodland. The breeze is always cool, the tree leaves sound like you're by the sea, and there's plenty of shade which makes even the hottest days feel manageable. I meditated for a while, then had a smoke.

Contacted the GP about ADHD meds, they said they can't change them and it has to go through a specialist. Contacted Harley Psychiatrists and paid £195 for an online appointment next Friday to get a prescription of a new medication.

Told Meg I'd miss her last night whilst in the meadow. She said that she'd only be gone a couple of days, but I had a feeling it'd be longer. She'd mentioned Leicester was quite close to her dads, and something in my gut said it'd be a fair while before I saw her again. She messaged me on WhatsApp to let me know she's working Mon-Wed supervising the site. She got great feedback from the supervisor and a £20 a day pay rise. She and I are both happy that she's been given this opportunity. It's clear that Meg is a very competent and careful worker. Another feather in her cap.

I miss her, but I'm not as folorn as I usually feel. Yes, I feel down - but that's a general mood that's been pervasive on and off for decades. In fact, I opened up very quickly to Meg about the duration of my anxiety and depression the first time we met down the meadow. But again, the bad times can't outweigh the good, otherwise the relationship is at risk, and I know that improvement comes from within and is entirely dependent upon the self. Thus, the spotlight is on me - and part of me is driven and motivated, and the other wants to cower and hide away in the dark.

Guy invited me over to his on Tuesday for a creative session, he also thanked me yesterday evening for being his friend and looking out for him the past few months. Going round his will probably involve a smoke. One thing that is noticeable with ADHD medication is that it nullifies almost all of the high from weed. Which means I might end up being sober. Weed is a double edged sword, and whilst I've grown to respect it and show restraint in usage as I've got older - I still feel like it's a false economy. Truth be told, when the focus on ADHD medication is so much more pronounced - smoking weed in the evening actually started making me feel a little stupid. Going from a keaner sense of self and presence, to the cloudy, lathargic feelings that can accompany smoking.

I guess we'll have to wait and see. This evening I intend to go on a twilight bike ride - once the sun has set and the roads are quiet. To be honest, I rarely ever see any other cyclists when I go on a ride. Makes me realise I've picked the best time to go out on the bike. Also, the country roads around here are very quiet. My brother also text me this morning asking if I'd like to go on a bike ride with him on Saturday morning at 8. The hot weather should break by Wednesday, but everywhere is looking very arid. That, paired with this morning's water issue - I felt a bit of a cloying sense of despair this morning. Just pondering what the future holds for humanity etc. Bit of a rabbit hole, but I wasn't lost in it for too long and didn't go too deep.

Played a video game for about 40 minutes but the enthusiasm wasn't there. No real interest, I was just kind of forcing myself to do it. I want to read and draw today. Do some more things that focus on me, and improving my mental state. Whilst I'm doing this for myself, I guess I still have that desire for self-assurance through others - so I'm also looking forward to feeling better so that it reduces the times of duress that me and Meg experience when around each other.

Once Meg is back at work full time - it'll be several months of a long distance relationship effectively. Seeing each other a few days a month will mean I'll have to become more accustomed to distancing myself from and moving away from co-dependent behaviour that I've exhibited in previous relationships. Eating better, less reliance on escapism through comfort food, gaming and weed - more exercise, and making more time for meditation, yoga and reading. Positive change is reliant upon me and my tenacity to succeed and improve. Whilst I know that I am enough, I also know that I carry a lot of baggage - and I need to let that s*** go, because it's holding me back, dragging me down.

Cornwall left it's mark on me, and seeing Meg's group of friends made me feel quite folorn and lonely when I returned back to Haddenham. Now that Meg has temporarily gone as well - I feel like now is the opportune moment to steer this ship onto a better course. Strike up a better balance, rather than yo-yo'ing between elation and depression, energised and depleted, in love and in fear.

One thing Meg said a few times early on is that she didn't want to hurt me. She also once said that she could be quite fickle. I think this was when we were talking about the growing feelings between us. On Tuesday, before we buried Lucky, we lay in the van and talked. I said I was scared about compatability, and how she seems a lot more extrovert, social and outgoing than I was. She said she tends to do her socialising in chunks, and then withdraws. I was a little concerned that, whilst working Thu-Wed will be a good distraction, some income and more time to socialise and be amongst friends - would it delay the processing and grieving/healing of Lucky's passing. I kept busy all of yesterday and it left me rather frazzled. I've been trying to focus more on me today, but the mood is quite wistful. One fear I spoke of with Meg comes from being cheated on multiple times by 3 ex's. She said that it would be a dealbreaker if that became a pervasive fear/worry. Things is, that's where my catastrophic thinking goes in all relationships. Worst case scenarios. Being left, dumped or cheated on. I can rationalise it and de-escalate from the paranoia, but it doesn't stop it being conjured up again and again. She said cheating isn't something that she does. It was good to hear - and it's something I need to reiterate to myself time and again. I used to worry about being cheated on so much in the past, that when it happened it was actually an anti-climax compared to the months of worries prior to it occurring. It's exhausting when your mind never shuts up.

I guess this is all the more reason to try ADHD meds again, especially after reading this today:

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I hope that in time I make new friends through craft fairs and the art world in general. My circle of friends has always been small, and right now I'm really feeling it. Meg was so happy to have found a friend in Haddenham. I too feel quite isolated here, also moving back home provides it's own sense of isolation and restrictions. Van life is on the horizon, and I have things to aim towards. But lonliness is a literal killer - very unhealthy for mind, body and soul, and it's been a prolonged feeling that I've lived with a lot throughout life.

Need a dog.

EDIT - Meg told me she'd probably be back on Friday night as if she's working there next week, it'd be nice to see me. Also that hopefully by then we will both have recharged and processed things a little.

Ed

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Raggamuffin
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