i am not sure what to say. all i know is that I need to say something. the weekend has been taxing. i am relieved it is over, while I sit her in hospital. I fear the implications of this. i feel more at home, in hospital than at home. I enjoy time with strangers more than my own family, because at least they know that they do not know me, but know enough to see that i have my problems that i am dealing with.
family is rough. i am struggling to find the ways i can be myself around them, without ‘doing it wrong’ Even with my family, i have to be the person they think i am. the person they want me to be. the normal, conforming me. Not the real me, the person i am free to be here.
i am overcoming my own problems with a staggering pace, and now i feel held back by other people's problems. problems no one wants to admit they have, because somehow it makes them less. Can they not see past their actions of normality, and see how it affects me? Yes, i can be normal, no, i can't live normal.
i am afraid. i am okay to say that, because i have always been afraid. I dont need to be afraid of myself anymore, i have that butt hat on some tight reins. i fear the world, i fear life.
being suicidal had its benefits. i could look at the world in complete apathy. Why care about what is happening now, when i will be physically unable to give any more… poops when i am dead the next day. over time, the coping strategy became addicting, and filled a void in my life.
Now, I am not suicidal, and it left a huge structural weakness that i need to refill with something more productive. life is scary, and now being committed to it. i fear the implications. So much time, so much pain, so much effort, day after day blinding sunlight or rain. i have to put in the effort to stay alive.
that effort will become less and less. still, existing take effort, persevering through life will take effort. i know the effort is worth it, but this is a huge mountain i have to climb, and i am daunted by the obstacles in my way, and the possibilities that can happen.
for all i know, i could be dead by tomorrow. I have never felt as good in my life as i have felt over the past weeks, it does not remove from the possibility of me relapsing. a bad night here or there is to be expected. to live is to feel, and life doesn't give a sh… poop about what it wants you to feel.
i sm scared of the thoughts. my mind can work wonders in any direction i point it in. i pay to much attention to everything, and the stacking negatives are accumulating into an argument that i may or may not use to try to rationaly convince myself that life is not an investment worth taking.
Not by choice do i set high standards for myself. It was my way out of that sh… poophole of a mindset. to overachieve, because i know i can do it. What happens when i know i can't live the life that i deem worth living?
Stagnation in progress, enforced onto come by the world. when i come to a problem that i can not fix, even with the tools i use that society does not want me to.
what happens when i am out of options?
these thoughts scare me. this is new ground, and i di not like the implications of these questions. god damn it.
I guess i really just don't know, nor can i know for sure if what i know is true or not. no one can, all we can do is guess.
defence tactic initiated. Skiing_Dreams.mov successfully loaded.
Well, now i just have conflicting thoughts…
i am okay to feel this way. this is far from the end of the world, and thoughts best had when my mind in under control. The power of putting all these thoughts on ‘paper’ has left me staggered.
I am allowed to be scared, I'm right to be scared. I am scared, but this is the best time to be brave. reliance on knowing my way out of everything has left me weak. this is an area i need to build on.
A weak spot. I see it in myself, and i am not going to leave it undefended.
Now, when words can not fill the problem. when i am left to not knowing what to do. Now is the time for unspoken confidence in myself.
I am going to take on the world.
...can you get all the people out of it first though.
family is rough. i am struggling to find the ways i can be myself around them, without ‘doing it wrong’ Even with my family, i have to be the person they think i am. the person they want me to be. the normal, conforming me. Not the real me, the person i am free to be here.
i am overcoming my own problems with a staggering pace, and now i feel held back by other people's problems. problems no one wants to admit they have, because somehow it makes them less. Can they not see past their actions of normality, and see how it affects me? Yes, i can be normal, no, i can't live normal.
i am afraid. i am okay to say that, because i have always been afraid. I dont need to be afraid of myself anymore, i have that butt hat on some tight reins. i fear the world, i fear life.
being suicidal had its benefits. i could look at the world in complete apathy. Why care about what is happening now, when i will be physically unable to give any more… poops when i am dead the next day. over time, the coping strategy became addicting, and filled a void in my life.
Now, I am not suicidal, and it left a huge structural weakness that i need to refill with something more productive. life is scary, and now being committed to it. i fear the implications. So much time, so much pain, so much effort, day after day blinding sunlight or rain. i have to put in the effort to stay alive.
that effort will become less and less. still, existing take effort, persevering through life will take effort. i know the effort is worth it, but this is a huge mountain i have to climb, and i am daunted by the obstacles in my way, and the possibilities that can happen.
for all i know, i could be dead by tomorrow. I have never felt as good in my life as i have felt over the past weeks, it does not remove from the possibility of me relapsing. a bad night here or there is to be expected. to live is to feel, and life doesn't give a sh… poop about what it wants you to feel.
i sm scared of the thoughts. my mind can work wonders in any direction i point it in. i pay to much attention to everything, and the stacking negatives are accumulating into an argument that i may or may not use to try to rationaly convince myself that life is not an investment worth taking.
Not by choice do i set high standards for myself. It was my way out of that sh… poophole of a mindset. to overachieve, because i know i can do it. What happens when i know i can't live the life that i deem worth living?
Stagnation in progress, enforced onto come by the world. when i come to a problem that i can not fix, even with the tools i use that society does not want me to.
what happens when i am out of options?
these thoughts scare me. this is new ground, and i di not like the implications of these questions. god damn it.
I guess i really just don't know, nor can i know for sure if what i know is true or not. no one can, all we can do is guess.
defence tactic initiated. Skiing_Dreams.mov successfully loaded.
Well, now i just have conflicting thoughts…
i am okay to feel this way. this is far from the end of the world, and thoughts best had when my mind in under control. The power of putting all these thoughts on ‘paper’ has left me staggered.
I am allowed to be scared, I'm right to be scared. I am scared, but this is the best time to be brave. reliance on knowing my way out of everything has left me weak. this is an area i need to build on.
A weak spot. I see it in myself, and i am not going to leave it undefended.
Now, when words can not fill the problem. when i am left to not knowing what to do. Now is the time for unspoken confidence in myself.
I am going to take on the world.
...can you get all the people out of it first though.
