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A strange waving gesture

By Raggamuffin · May 25, 2021 · ·
  1. Yesterday afternoon I received the email from the solicitors with login details to their portal. We had 4 forms to fill out. As soon as I got home, me and Kristy went through every single form and hammered out things we needed to do. All that's required now is a reply from the estate agent with the house's EPC energy rating and a reply from the builders we used in 2017 with a certificate regarding electrical work carried out. Then we're home free - nothing else for us to do.

    Work wasn't as traumatic as I expected - or as tiring. I'm thankful for this, although I'm still weary about the workload and the potential to keep making mistakes that'll get me intro trouble.

    Last night I put on a Youtube video which has a psychologist describing adult ADHD - I could relate to virtually everything he described. I found his way of talking to be very soothing and I think he has an interesting face - loving the facial hair too:



    An important point he brings up relates to Autism issues as well - whilst everyone can experience issues that are similar to people on the spectrum - we experience them a lot more and they have a much greater hold over our lives. This is what I struggled to voice when my parents began to normalise all the issues and traits I was trying to describe to them with regards to the spectrum. It felt like they were shooting me down when they started with statements like "Everybody feels like that".

    There's a guy at work with the cliche/trendy "short, back and sides" haircut which is long on top. Virtually every guy in the office has this haircut, although his hair ontop is longer than most. For some reason, this morning he's bunched all the hair up and put a hairband on the crown of his head - so he has this little, vertical pony tail on the top of his head that looks like a palm tree. As expected - everyone commented on it and found it hilarious. My reaction was a little less comical, although it had me laughing - I began to visualise what it'd be like to scalp him - Native American style. In fact, that's another topic mentioned on that ADHD video - how seemingly insignificant moments that wouldn't bother most people, can cause people with ADHD to feel extremely upset or angry. He also goes onto describe catastrophic thinking.

    One book I'm reading at the moment on Autism and Addiction states that between 30-50% of people with Autism also exhibit symptoms of ADHD. The video above also states how the condition is primarily hereditary, and you may well have a sibling, parent or aunt/uncle who probably has it. I find it interesting that he highlights how people in older generations were often overlooked for diagnoses - or possibly misdiagnosed.

    A final point that I think was very apt was his description of tasks and expectations of adulthood. An inability to concentrate on work that you don't find interesting. The only real way to maintain focus is if they meet one of 2 potential criteria - a subject you find interesting, or a situation when you feel like there's impending consequences if you don't complete the task asap. Which is often why those with ADHD will put off work they know will take prolonged concentration, until it gets to a point where they can't wait any longer - and then you have a "gun to your head" situation, where you have to complete it now, or the consequences will be dire.

    Staffing was nice - it was a little breezy and quite refreshing outside. It's been raining the past few days and the walk through the woods is very fragrant with all the blossoms and the damp plants etc. Saw an interesting guy walk past - hoodie up, swagger in his step. He had a beard and looked like he probably had some similar interests to me. When our gaze met, he nodded and did a strange waving gesture using his index and middle finger pressed together. It reminded me a bit of how you sometimes see pictures of Jesus, or images or Holy men when they do the sign of the cross.

    Then of course, there was the usual drivers who stare, flabbergasted as they drive past. Occasionally some honk their horns, or cheer. Every now and then someone will slow down, or even stop - to stare at me.

    My knuckle hasn't been too bad. I'm highly sensitized to it though - hyper-focused. So I don't exactly make it easy on myself.

    Something that I'm craving again is weed. I guess that's understandable seeing as I caved in with sweets and caffeine. Mind you, at work I'm sticking to my previous routine - a couple of sandwiches on wholegrain/seeded bread and 2 pieces of dark chocolate. So I'm not back to my previous binging on cakes, sweets and such like whilst at work. At home I'm trying to ensure I have a proper dinner, so that anything sugary acts a dessert and not a meal replacement.

    Craving a smoke though - 2 people on my Discord gaming group have started smoking weed again, and I was concerned that moving out would provoke temptation to go back to my old ways.

    Something today reminded me why this isn't a good idea - I had an ache in my chest. It could've been muscular, or trapped wind - but I was quickly reminded how weed often amplified, or even created pains in my body, and some of them could be agonising and very intense.

    I think the craving comes from a few desires I miss - the amplified introspective qualities I feel when stoned, my heightened appreciation for food, music and video games - and also, my rekindled interest in reading, and also watching TV and films on a full screen. Normally I window mode a computer game and play it whilst half of my screen is a TV show or movie playing. I forgot how engrossing a show or movie is when you dedicate all your attention to it.

    Anyway - I suppose I'm just craving a heightened level of enjoyment from the limited amount of things I do in my spare time.

    The past few weeks I've posted a lot more music to my Youtube channel. On Saturday, me and some friends had a marathon Phantasy Star Universe session and we were on my secondary voice chat channel which can have a music bot in it - I played one playlist that's a constant work in progress. It contains all my favourite songs, but it's slow to complete as I need to upload a lot of songs that aren't on Youtube.

    Several friends said they muted the bot, which irked me a little. But the guy I'm closest to commented, several hours into the playlist about a song which appeared in a TV show. I was so glad he'd been listening to the music throughout, as I know we have a similar taste in music and TV etc.

    Anyway, here's another Witch House tune I uploaded recently:



    Ed

    About Author

    Raggamuffin
    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.

Comments

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  1. Position+Volition=
    1. Raggamuffin
    2. Position+Volition=
      At least next time you see him,
      you'll have some surprising gestures of your own.
      With the additional possibility of incorporating them,
      into a full-body fire-staff gesture of enigmatic benetiction,
      Culminating in a resourceful variation,
      to the ever-present temptation,
      of terminating a particularly intricate and expressive sequence,
      with a decisively flamboyant bow.
      Or such is the pleasure of imagining :)