Yesterday I found out a friend that I hadn't seen in a while passed away a little over a month ago. Apparently nobody knew how to get ahold of me and I don't get the paper so I didn't know. She'd been in a nursing home for a while and I'd been meaning to get up to visit her but something always came up.
No. I will be honest. I didn't go because I knew how our visit would go and how I would feel afterwards. Because this lady's life had been on a downward spiral for years. It wasn't always like that, of course. Once we had happy times together.
The funny thing is we almost didn't become friends. I met her then-boyfriend first at a job we were working at together and he started hitting on me even though everyone around told me he had a girlfiriend. About a month later she came to work there. He quit hitting on me after that. Later they got married. Well, he did not deserve her. I put up with him for the sake of our friendship but I did not like him. For one thing he did not treat her with respect. He'd put her down and then turn to me like "isn't that funny?" No. Then when I started gaining weight, he started making cracks about that.
Ladies--if you are involved with a man like that, quit making excuses for him and get out of the relationship while you can. Because what will happen is that he will drive away all or nearly all of your friends. You may stand by him but THEY will not.
And so it happened with my friend. Little by little her circle of outside friends dwindled until it was basically him and her. Then she developed diabetes. Let me tell you, I think I'd much rather have cancer than diabetes. Because diabetes, if not firmly and swiftly dealt with FROM THE BEGINNING will kill you one inch at a time and it isn't pretty. And we in the United States have an epidemic of type 2 diabetes, starting at younger and younger ages. I don't think we realize the long-term effects of this, not fully.
When she developed diabetes, did she call in a nutritionist? A dietician? Did she get diabetic cookbooks and learn about exchanges? No. She kept on eating the same unhealthy way she and her husband always had. The pills changed to shots.
Her vision started going. She started nodding off during visits. Her heart started failing. Stents, bypasses, valves. In and out of the hospital. She lost the ability to walk. About the same time her husband lost his driver's license because he got caught drunk driving one time too many. Since she did not drive herself, that meant she was essentially housebound. Furthermore, since they were both poor, their housing options were extremely limited. They ended up taking an apartment in a rent-subsidized complex full of dysfunctional people in a high-crime area. Which further discouraged visitors.
And the spiral continued. Her daughter married an abusive man and was trapped out in the countryside with no transportation and three special needs children. So here was another burden for Mama to deal with. Her brothers and sisters all started dying or going into the hospital too. It got to the point whee I hated to call her or have her call me because it was always the same bad news--somebody died, somebody's in the hospital, even somebody's pregnant and doesn't want to be. At the same time I was struggling with depression and stress issues myself. There were times when after I hung up I felt like taking a gun to my head. Why bother living if this is what life is about?
I did not have the heart to say to her that this constant gloom and doom was taking a toll on me and that was why I was staying away for longer and longer periods of time. I wanted to ask her "Doesn't anything good happen in your life or to those around you?" But I knew the answer and it wasn't just a matter of perception. The answer, pure and simple, was "No." And it was not going to improve. There was no way, short of a miracle, that it could.
She finally went into a nursing home and while there was dropped by an aide meaning another trip to the emergency room. When I last visited her she had a long list of complaints about how they were treating her. She made no attempt to mingle with the other residents or take part in activities but stayed in her room by choice. What she wanted was to turn back the clock. To go back home. Her last words to me were to take care of my own health and weight lest I end up the same.
Well, she is at peace now. At least her suffering is over. But her life is a sobering lesson on how not to live. I feel bad because I wish I could have been more supportive but I did not know what to do. I did not know how to help her. And I wasn't going to BS her with talk about God when we both knew the facts.
No. I will be honest. I didn't go because I knew how our visit would go and how I would feel afterwards. Because this lady's life had been on a downward spiral for years. It wasn't always like that, of course. Once we had happy times together.
The funny thing is we almost didn't become friends. I met her then-boyfriend first at a job we were working at together and he started hitting on me even though everyone around told me he had a girlfiriend. About a month later she came to work there. He quit hitting on me after that. Later they got married. Well, he did not deserve her. I put up with him for the sake of our friendship but I did not like him. For one thing he did not treat her with respect. He'd put her down and then turn to me like "isn't that funny?" No. Then when I started gaining weight, he started making cracks about that.
Ladies--if you are involved with a man like that, quit making excuses for him and get out of the relationship while you can. Because what will happen is that he will drive away all or nearly all of your friends. You may stand by him but THEY will not.
And so it happened with my friend. Little by little her circle of outside friends dwindled until it was basically him and her. Then she developed diabetes. Let me tell you, I think I'd much rather have cancer than diabetes. Because diabetes, if not firmly and swiftly dealt with FROM THE BEGINNING will kill you one inch at a time and it isn't pretty. And we in the United States have an epidemic of type 2 diabetes, starting at younger and younger ages. I don't think we realize the long-term effects of this, not fully.
When she developed diabetes, did she call in a nutritionist? A dietician? Did she get diabetic cookbooks and learn about exchanges? No. She kept on eating the same unhealthy way she and her husband always had. The pills changed to shots.
Her vision started going. She started nodding off during visits. Her heart started failing. Stents, bypasses, valves. In and out of the hospital. She lost the ability to walk. About the same time her husband lost his driver's license because he got caught drunk driving one time too many. Since she did not drive herself, that meant she was essentially housebound. Furthermore, since they were both poor, their housing options were extremely limited. They ended up taking an apartment in a rent-subsidized complex full of dysfunctional people in a high-crime area. Which further discouraged visitors.
And the spiral continued. Her daughter married an abusive man and was trapped out in the countryside with no transportation and three special needs children. So here was another burden for Mama to deal with. Her brothers and sisters all started dying or going into the hospital too. It got to the point whee I hated to call her or have her call me because it was always the same bad news--somebody died, somebody's in the hospital, even somebody's pregnant and doesn't want to be. At the same time I was struggling with depression and stress issues myself. There were times when after I hung up I felt like taking a gun to my head. Why bother living if this is what life is about?
I did not have the heart to say to her that this constant gloom and doom was taking a toll on me and that was why I was staying away for longer and longer periods of time. I wanted to ask her "Doesn't anything good happen in your life or to those around you?" But I knew the answer and it wasn't just a matter of perception. The answer, pure and simple, was "No." And it was not going to improve. There was no way, short of a miracle, that it could.
She finally went into a nursing home and while there was dropped by an aide meaning another trip to the emergency room. When I last visited her she had a long list of complaints about how they were treating her. She made no attempt to mingle with the other residents or take part in activities but stayed in her room by choice. What she wanted was to turn back the clock. To go back home. Her last words to me were to take care of my own health and weight lest I end up the same.
Well, she is at peace now. At least her suffering is over. But her life is a sobering lesson on how not to live. I feel bad because I wish I could have been more supportive but I did not know what to do. I did not know how to help her. And I wasn't going to BS her with talk about God when we both knew the facts.
