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A place to call my own

  1. We had an offer on the house for £143k which was a lot more than we expected. We accepted straight away. It's going to one of 2 sisters who are both buying houses in town. The elder sister loved the house, she said it was perfect for her. She loved how we decorated downstairs and I was really pleased to see someone who was genuinely excited to live in our house. Her brother in law is a builder, so we know they can get the house finished to a standard they want. The estate agent said their budget was 160k and they're mortgage free once their house sale has gone through. We should be looking at 12 weeks until we move out.

    Got into work and worked through 2106 emails. It took about 45 minutes. My folder with documents to process is normally around 40-100 files - this is now up to 303. Apparently 2 people have quit in the time I've been off. The new guy who had me waiting outside the kitchen for 5 minutes whilst he ate cakes, and the jobsworth HR Manager. I smiled when I read both emails. We also had an email stating the office is moving to a new, purpose built place - this annoyed me, as apparently the company can't justify pay reviews (cancelled in the first year they were supposed to happen), but they can move into a brand new office?

    Had a meeting with my manager - he was very understanding. He has devised a few plans to hopefully help me be a bit more organised. I hope it helps, as I don't like the stress and embaressment that making mistakes causes. Also, I've felt sort of selfish - not reaching out for help. My manager was able to keep on top of things by delegating my work between him and 2 other people. As such, I'm not left with a huge backlog to deal with. Seeing people have my back felt nice - I sort of felt stranded in this job. Feeling increasingly bitter about being overworked, but never reaching out for help.

    Tom said that our company looks out for each other - if I'm struggling, I only have to ask my team, or other teams and I will get help. It's made me feel a little foolish - suffering in silence. I'm vocal on these blogs, to the point I feel ungrateful. I suppose when you get stuck in your head too much - your opinions become more and more distant from the reality of the world around you. Tom said that people think very highly of me in the office, he told me that nobody has a bad word to say about me. This is a theme throughout my workplace life - I leave a good impression because I mask and fawn, and it ensures there's no friction. Hopefully if these new processes work out well, perhaps I can minimise the main point of frustration - my mistakes at work. Although, I suppose all this time off proved one thing - it took him and 2 other people to get a portion of my work done. He advised that he'll be speaking with the director again tomorrow with regards to getting a 4th person on our team.

    I'm glad that my time off had a narrative - prep the house, list the house, accept an offer on the house. It gave me closure and took a weight off my mind. That's not to stay I didn't worry about more "what if's" the moment we accepted the offer. A bit like how I felt guilty for feeling too happy when I got back to work, and after this morning's meeting with the manager.

    I'm writing this piecemeal today - a paragraph or two every hour or so. I've also been instructed to break up the day with my tasks - do a couple of hours on a task and then leave it wherever I get to. Feels awkward, but it's necessary. Normally I focus on one task almost exclusively and feel burnt out before the end of the day. Also, my organisational skills are poor - I often end a day and wonder what on earth I got done, even though I know I've been going at it hammer and tong.

    I went staffing today - I was fed up with obsessing over my knuckle. Sure enough, it was fine. I didn't overdo it, and I was careful with staffing. I ended up being caught in a hailstorm and then a downpour. It was warm enough though, so I continued regardless. Got soaking wet - but I find it invigorating. In fact, I lose respect for people who complain about the rain - it's not "bad weather". When I walked back to work it eventually cleared up. It's about 2.5 hours later and I'm pretty much dry. I think it's cosy - getting soaked and then getting back inside in the warmth and gradually drying off.

    We've got an email from the solicitors and have a bunch of online forms to fill out. I'm eager to get those done tonight. We have all the documents at home, and we recently sorted through a load of them - so they should all be easy to find. With any luck we'll have everything we need to do completed by this week.

    Paintballing this weekend. Nothing else inbetween. I'm pretty broke to be honest, and I'll be broke next month as I took 8 days off and statutory sick pay is poor. I queried when it would apply - I'm expecting around £500 off what I'd normally earn, which means I'll be sat in my overdraft all next month. Thankfully I get my gravel trust cheque next month - so I'll be back up and well into a positive balance once that cheque clears.

    Self care started to improve towards the end of my time off - some showers, brushing teeth etc. Basic life skills that fall by the way side when stress is up. Or a change of routine - such as moving my PC upstairs. A simple change that had a cascade effect on other routines.

    I'm excited at the prospect of owning my own place - I think it'll be easier to maintain routines when it's just me living there. Routines for hygiene, for food and spare time etc. They won't be rigid, OCD style routines - but I know that there's a deeply soothing aspect to having certain routines in place, and a place to call my own.


    About Author

    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.


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