While I want this to be a positive letter it can’t be at least completely.
Firstly I wanted to say thank you, I want to say thank you for the way in which I see the world if it weren’t for you being a part of me I wouldn’t take photos in the way that I do and take photos of the things that I do and I thank you for taking photos being a way that you require me to process the world and new places because if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t take photos or at least in the volume that I do and of the things that I do because I value the photos I take because I can document, reflect and then share my experiences.
I thank you for you allowing me to not care about the societal pressures in the same way that my peers do and that I don’t mind that I am an ‘outcast’ and that I don’t fit in but that’s okay. I appreciated that being this way keeps me safer.
However there are things that hurt me like I blame you for what people have done to me, I blame you for the state of my teeth, I blame you for the anxiety and the depression that I face and that I have gone through and I blame you for the scars I have on my body, I blame you for not feeling like I am worth it.
Sometimes I hate you because you inhibit me from being like everyone else and enjoying the things my friends do or even having the opportunity to do what my friends have the opportunity to do, it hurts me because not being like everyone else is hard because I miss out on things that maybe I would like to do or experience but I cant or I know they aren’t worth it.
I hate the meltdowns and the shutdowns and the just inability to explain to people what it is like or what I am thinking or just the inability to effectively express myself I hate that I can’t understand who I am or how I feel or what worth I have in this world and I will forever blame you and hate you for that.
But with all that said I want you to know I wouldn’t change you, I wouldn’t cure you or take you away because you make me, me and well I don’t want to be not me but I also want to be allowed to be completely myself in society, and well accepting you is something that both myself and society needs to work on.
So, autism I hate you but also thank you.
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