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7 days sober

First week being weed free. In that time I've been around a few people who've been smoking it whilst I was there, and it wasn't a big trigger. Cravings will come and go, but it's nowhere near as difficult as when I quit alcohol. Probably because this time round with weed my usage was the smallest it's ever been. Having that self-control has meant going without isn't such an effort.

I couldn't hack the ADHD meds though. Supposedly there's only 3 they can prescribe in the UK. The list of side effects is unnervingly long, and personally I've never liked being on any sort of medication.

Whilst I self-medicated for a long time, I know that neither legal or illegal drugs are the answer to the conditions I live with. I mask enough in life without the need to continue willingly chemically masking as well. Approaching things with a clear head is probably the best approach.
When I quite drinking, I quit weed at the same time. I hoped sobriety would bring about a reduction in anxiety an depression. I had a similar belief when I quit the office job to pursue art.

Yet my beliefs hadn't changed a great deal in that time. The same worries, angst and thought processes. As such I didn't see that big a change when it came to my mental health. I think I had a bit of a salvation fantasy in assuming that sobriety would "fix" me. In reality, I wouldn't have begun using substances if I hadn't been struggling in the first place. Thus sobriety was never going to provide anything life changing - it simply removes the additional burdens that come with life as an addict.

One thing that quitting the rat race and self-employment have in common is money worries. Something that has been a long term worry. Money was never an issue until I started earning it, and then it became a constant source of anxiety and worries. Being self-employed has made that an even heavier burden.
If I want to see any worthwhile change I need to be willing to change my beliefs, as they are what create my reality. Much like people who think coming into money or moving somewhere new would help "fix" their lives. You'll still be the same person, with the same worries, beliefs and emotional baggage.

I think the most sensible approach to this will be getting the van converted and then working part time positions. 6 months or so in a job will allow me to save enough money to then do 6+ months doing my art full time. That way I could strike up a 50/50 balance in the year of doing a menial job, and also pursuing my dream.

For now though, I need to focus on the present. Take each day as it comes. I often don't feel like I'm good enough, or that I've done enough. A lot of "shouldism" and lofty expectations that grind me down. But lamenting the past, or planning for the future means your mind isn't in the here and now. That old mindfulness - the here and now is often fine, but you can get so caught up in the internal chatter that you're not truly conscious of the present or your surroundings.

Ed

Comments

Way to go!

You should be totally proud of yourself.

Your perspective is highly insightful and you've managed to formulate a solid plan for the future.

I appreciate the mindfulness that manifesting your goals entails - it can be a tricky balancing act, planning for the future whilst remaining fully aware and in control of the present moment.

However you may feel at times, it certainly sounds to me that you are more than enough!

All the best to you, Raggamuffin.
 

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Raggamuffin
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