Made it to 541 days sober.
I noticed thoughts became more intense and focused in recent weeks. Each time it felt like I was picking up where I left off - even though this recent wave of cravings had lasted months. Thoughts formed into a plan, and whilst I hadn't acted upon it last time - today I have.
I knew within weeks of living here, that the guy over the road from our house sold weed. It only took me 4.5 years to ask him, and 5 minutes later it was done.
Something I recalled very quickly is how it can speed up or slow down my racing thoughts. If I allow myself to go too fast, my body follows suit and I start to feel out of control and edging towards impending doom.
A few thoughts started to dawn on me, as I began to relax and focus on something I enjoyed - writing.
Cannabis has to be respected. It's so easy to incorporate it into your lifestyle - but all too often it's used irresonsibly and selfishly. In my early, care free years of smoking I gradually worked up to a point where I smoked an ounce a month. Last time I smoked it, an ounce lasted me nearly a year. This time - I wish to use it even less than my old "weekend only" routine.
One thing that's clear - when you enjoy something, it's hard to truly let go. Whenever I went back to weed, it's always with one notion in my head - I fundamentally enjoy the experience. It's when I let it lead to excess that I began to feel shame and guilt.
It's a magnifier - amplifying the thought and pleasure experienced through the senses; such as food, drink, nature and both making and witnessing creative works.
It can switfly cause a thought to latch onto a worrisome idea, and if your mind tends to race - you can freefall into anxiety and bodily discomfort as mental and physical experiences seem to race towards a terrifying, and unknown conclusion.
I'm reminding myself to see this as something special. It'd be all too easy to cave into the critic inside me. But why? If my comings and goings with weed has shown me anything, it's that I'm maturing each time I go back. I notice how starkly my thoughts and my reaction to the world around me has changed.
Being able to slow down my mind when I choose to feels a lot more profound at the moment. Racing thoughts can be directed toward a deeper search through introspection. Being lost in thought feels freeing - so long as I choose it to be that way. It can just as easily become a tormentor and turn my body into a mass of dysfunctional aches and pains.
Take it or leave it - often, when we enjoy something it's 'take, take take'. I'm no stranger to that mentality, and yet - I understand the necessity for moderation and restraint.
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