The energy drain that is passing

[HappyHermit]

It's not specific only to education and employment, but that is the biggest area.

I outwardly pass as NT. I'm no ninja. I was simply drilled to and later had to because even a simple life costs money. I have over three decades of experience now - I definitely didn't just wake up and work miracles.

It's not that I can't work - work was never a problem at work. It's the people who populate work.

So I spend my days sticking to the scripts, aping people (otherwise known as mirroring), modulating my voice and body language and talking just as much as I have to about the tedious non-issues that others carry around with them as if they were the weight of the world, also known as doing smalltalk. And I have to steer and manufacture it all consciously. By mid-day, I'm beat.

So far, so unremarkable.

What gets to me is the Catch-22: 1. if you seem normal, you're supposed to be normal. I.e., 'what do you mean, people drain you?'. 2. If you don't seem normal, people do their utmost to pressure you into conforming, and then, the first rule applies. You can't always resist because food and shelter cost money, and your source of income will fall away if you don't comply. Either way, NTs - who form the vast majority and get to exert that pressure - must remain blissfully ignorant and carefree.

Even better work acquaintances who know I'm autistic seem to think autism is something of a minor blip on my screen. Quite symptomatic: yesterday I had a day when I just didn't have the spare energy to pretend. It's all getting to me: hating the work I do, not finding any other work (never mind something I would want to do), the exhaustion, the ever-increasing workload for just about static pay, the people I have to deal with, and my pet is also dying. I told them I couldn't play-act that day and that there was nothing amiss between us, so not to get confused. They say 'fine'.

So what happens? A couple of minutes in, they start getting irritated, ask me what's wrong, have they done anything, can't they cheer me up? I don't need cheering up. I just need to be left to be me for five. bloody. minutes. After that, I cut the meeting short, which they only took to mean that I was in fact upset with them.

There's no educating people. These two acquaintances aren't dumb. They don't want to know. Makes me wonder why they thought I told them, and what they really think it means to be autistic. I do so much for them and all NTs to feel warm and fuzzy, or at least comfortable enough, every. ******. day. Where's the reciprocity? Is that so much to ask?

And now I have another weekend workshop ahead of me, sequestered in a remote location with a group of coworkers. How marvelous. Because I absolutely have the energy to spare on passing, on top of the actual work, right? But they can't be asked to accommodate me for even an hour...

I'm so frustrated.

 

[David Larson]

I feel for you, brother. You've articulated the exact frustration I have with living and working in the neurotypical's world. But a weekend workshop? I cringe at the thought, that's brutal.

I have a better situation these days than I used to, but back when I worked at a factory the work was boring and repetitive; just packing boxes. The only two options to pass the time were to either immerse yourself in the work or talk to other people. Guess which one the NTs picked?

The problem was, it was 120 decibels on the factory floor. At that level, to talk to someone 5 feet away you have to yell at the top of your lungs. Management provided earplugs, and made clear that we were supposed to wear them to prevent hearing loss. However, nobody wore the earplugs, and anyone who wore them was a pariah. Instead, they chose to scream their stupid NT small-talk at each other for the whole 12 hour shift.

The people who had been there 10+ years were all half-deaf and you had to be sure to be facing them when talking to them so they could read your lips. So, in conclusion, these NTs chose despite the warnings to give up their hearing because it was a more compelling need to them to socialize. They need it like a fish needs water. They need it like a crackhead needs crack.

Baffling and frustrating, isn't it?

 

[e79243]

I had a girl whisper to me at work she messes with me only because she knows it annoys me and she does not do this to anyone just me. She loves to get me upset. She loves to annoy me. She was training me for a new job and kept saying over and over to me "is this getting to you?" "is this getting too much for you?" I kept saying no but she would not stop. Finally she said "do you think this is too hard for you" what she was doing was trying to get my goat. Finally I had to go to the boss and tell the boss what she was doing. She does not like me because I never smile and I act too serious all the time and she thinks I am uptight. She is one of those girls that bullied people in school and now bulling people at work. I finally told her I no longer needed her help in training and went straight to HR about her.

 

[e79243]

unfortunately I work in an at will state and can get fired for anything. You get fired for not getting along with others and not fitting into culture which happens so much with me. I work in a Type A environment and they tell you how the cow ate the cabbage where I work all the time. They are highly opinonated. I try so hard to be quiet and stay out of stuff but they are after me because I do not blend in well

 

[Datura]

they tell you how the cow ate the cabbage

What does this mean?

 

[e79243]

That means they say things very direct and to the point and in your face kind of talk

 

[Judge]

Where's the reciprocity? Is that so much to ask?

There is none, because most social majorities expect if not demand social minorities conform to their way of doing things.

In our case what isn't understood is that we cannot necessarily make such a transition neurologically in whole or in part. Something that cannot be easily perceived or related to by a social- or neurological majority. Worst of all more often than not, they default to the logic and morality of democracy. Where majorities always win having the last say.

You're right. They don't want to know, because as a majority they truly and logically believe it isn't their burden. Only ours.

 

[e79243]

I feel like I try to talk less and less then my Autism is not showing. On my last review my boss said I am not confident and I do not share in meetings. I will never tell her why. If I do I think I will be gone. They look at this like you are mentally ill which is what I hate. I hate the word mentally ill yet I have been called that